Loading...
Simply Chic Simply Chic Blog Home

More Couples Sleeping in Separate Beds, Survey Finds

One expert explains how splitting up can bring couples together.

By Kristin Wong Aug 22, 2012 2:59PM

Photo: Brad Wilson/Getty ImagesRecent surveys show that more couples are sleeping separately, and while some may think this would create a bar in intimacy, it's actually saving relationships.

In fact, sleeping separately is becoming so common that the National Association of Home Builders expects that 60 percent of custom-built homes will include dual master bedrooms in the year 2015.

A study from the National Sleep Foundation found that 25 percent of couples in the U.S. sleep separately; similarly, a recent British survey found that one in 10 British couples also sleep in separate beds. The Heart Beat talked to relationship expert Dr. Tracey Marks, the author of Master Your Sleep. She advocates separate sleeping and tells us why it's a good idea for some couples.

"With some couples, one partner is severely sleep deprived because the other partner keeps them awake with snoring, restlessness, keeping the room too hot, etc.," Dr. Marks tells us. "If the sleep deprivation makes you cranky, it's going to affect your relationship and you would be better off sleeping in a different bed so you can be in a better mood with your partner."

Conventionally, the notion of sleeping in the same bed is thought to create intimacy between spouses. But as Marks explains in a Huffington Post piece:

"While the media presents images of loving couples sleeping contentedly in each other's arms all night long, for many the reality is much different."

And she's right. A recent survey actually shows that couples fight 167 times a year in the bedroom. The number one cause of those fights is blanket hogging, followed by snoring and being too hot. These are all things that can easily be remedied by declaring your bedroom independence.

"The main problem arises when one partner feels rejected by it," Marks tells us. "Intellectually he may understand why it's a good idea, but he struggles with the idea that his partner doesn't want him.  I think this is a more likely outcome when there are underlying relationship problems and sleeping apart just compounds the problems and makes things feel less intimate."

Her answer for proposing the idea is to make sure that you start with a "clean slate," otherwise sleeping apart could exacerbate whatever problems are happening in the relationship.

But what about sex?

"Sleeping in separate beds can't mean no more sex," Marks says. "Sex is for waking hours, so do it before you go to sleep so that sleep and sex are completely distinct entities."

Sounds easy enough.  But as Marks mentioned, the media does present couples as bed-sharers, so there is a bit of a stigma with splitting up in the bedroom.

"People are going to take your lead in reacting to your situation," Dr. Marks tells us. "That is, if you are conflicted about it and mention it as though you are admitting some deep dark secret, the listener is going to respond that way…But if you are resolved that you are doing what's best for your relationship and both you and partner are fine with it, you can talk about it with confidence and emphasize how much more intimate your relationship is because of it."

And as for talking about it with your children, Marks advises:

"Whatever the reason is for needing to sleep separately, you emphasize the positive—dad and mom like it this way, mom and dad think it's important to get a good night's sleep, mom and dad like to cuddle in the same room while they are awake, but once we fall asleep we're not aware that we're not in the same bed, etc."

What do you think? Do you and your partner sleep in separate beds? Would you try it to keep from fighting in the bedroom?

Photo: Brad Wilson/Getty Images

More Love & Sex from MSN Living:

What He's Really Thinking After 1, 5, and 10 Years of Marriage

What She's Really Thinking After 1, 5, and 10 Years of Marriage

Avoid These Sneaky Love Landslides

 

96Comments
Sep 21, 2013 12:41AM
avatar
I have been married to my husband for 15 yrs. we have had 2 children together and i have one from a previous marriage. In the beginning we slept together, ALWAYS. then my youngest child was born, she's 8 now. Since the day she came home from the hospital, he's slept on the couch. It's NOT a good thing either! I miss him sleeping w/me. I miss the snuggles and the hugs and the laughter and the talking and yes i miss the sex ALOT! you can say it makes for a better nights sleep, that's true in a way but for the most part, IT SUX! we have literally became roommates now. IT SUX! I want a lover and a partner. i need and miss the closeness that we once shared. Now, i'm the nanny that lives w/her husband and their kids. NO, there's no intimacy at all anymore. it didn't happen overnight, but it DID happen. like gaining weight, it just kinda creeps up on you and the next thing you know, you're all alone! so, if this is something your thinking would be the best thing for your marriage, just make sure you're ready to give up your closeness. No matter how much you say it could never happen to you and your relationship, TRUST ME~IT CAN AND IT PROBABLY WILL~GOOD LUCK and i hope you don't lose more than the snoring from your partner! 
Aug 23, 2012 12:13AM
avatar
I love my bed and sleeping alone.  I am a restless sleeper so it is better to sleep apart.
Aug 23, 2012 12:00AM
avatar
I prefer to sleep in seprate houses.
Aug 22, 2012 11:40PM
avatar
My oldest brother told me years ago the key to his nearly 30 year marriage has been seperate bedrooms. I snore and my lover twitches, we started with separate bedrooms from the beginning and feel that it has been nothing but beneficial. I would add that we also have separate bathrooms, a girl needs her own bathroom! My boyfriend would add that he much prefers not having the share a bathroom with all my "stinky oils and potions". He a has spartan masculine bathroom that fits his personality and I have a wonderfully feminine bathroom full of amenities. My brother and sister in law are putting on an addition to their home, a bathroom of his own for my brother ;o)
Aug 22, 2012 11:37PM
avatar
me and my wife have been together for 28 years we would never dream of sleeping apart  if you really love the one your with you will learn to get over  the little things you use to stay apart  you spend all day a part at work and other things if you don't spend your nights together then why are you marred at all
Aug 22, 2012 11:31PM
avatar
Back to Lucy and Desi in twin beds -- i you live long enough -- things keep coming back lol :)
Aug 22, 2012 11:23PM
avatar
i feel sorry for those that have to sleep in a separate bed.  there are few things in the world as pleasant as spooning with someone or having them spoon with you.  thankfully, after 20 plus years i still totally enjoy going to bed with my woman.  heck, we could sleep on a cot:)  and the spooning after sex just makes the whole experience even that much better!   no blanket hogging, no snoring issues of great magnitude, separate controls on the electric blanket.  what is there to fight about?  and what is this garbage about 167 arguments  a year in the bedroom.  gots some immature selfish couples surveyed if ya ask me.   
Aug 22, 2012 11:22PM
avatar
If my wife and I are in separate beds we'll be in separate homes. We've been married 32 years and I've learned to live with her snoring. We're at one fight and holding during those 32 years and it sure as heck didn't happen in the bedroom.
Report
Please help us to maintain a healthy and vibrant community by reporting any illegal or inappropriate behavior. If you believe a message violates theCode of Conductplease use this form to notify the moderators. They will investigate your report and take appropriate action. If necessary, they report all illegal activity to the proper authorities.
Categories
100 character limit
Are you sure you want to delete this comment?

beauty tips and style advice

  • 1

    The 10 most unforgettable wedding dresses in television history

    From Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on Friends to Blair and Serena on Gossip Girl, here are the most memorable wedding dresses to grace the small screen.

  • kate
  • Lucky

    Fall shopping, decoded: How to get the most from every budget

    Smart fall shopping can’t be boiled down to some set-in-stone lineup of items. It’s much more about how you play with what you’ve got rather than just racking up a bunch of new stuff; sometimes your bank account’s balance simply won’t allow for a full-on wardrobe refresh. That’s when it’s important to know what’s worth it—and what isn’t.

  • Lucky

    5 fall fashion must-haves

    Autumn’s just a few short months away, and we’ve got sweaters, coats and booties on our minds! Below are the first things we’ll be buying (or have already bought!) to kick off next season.

  • a1

    Cool collective: Fall’s best products

    Beauty editors are routinely asked to name three essentials they couldn’t live without on a desert island. So here’s our list: water, matches, protein bars. As much as we depend on beauty products, they’re not exactly essential to survival. These luxurious fragrances, nail polishes, and tools are no exception. They’re the anti-basics—hardly your medicine-cabinet staples. They won’t shrink pores or obliterate frizz, but they will make you weak with desire. And that’s a refreshing change of pace. Beyond just looking and feeling great, each of these cool new things appeals to our sense of style. How’s that for an SOS?

  • a1

    Flaming lips: The 8 hottest bright lipstick shades

    You could breeze through the rest of summer with the same sheer balm and nude gloss you always wear. Or you could throw caution to the wind and try one of these superfun, superbright lipstick shades we saw on the spring runways. True red, orchid purple, neon orange—these lipsticks are as bold as they are beautiful.

  • a1

    Look now: Cara Delevingne

    To say Cara Delevingne is trending is an understatement: Her brows are a hot Google search term, she has around 2.8 million (and growing) Instagram followers, and it’s a challenge to find a Pinterest board without her on it. She’s the girl everyone wants to look like (and be BFF with, too). Check out her best beauty moments—and pin away.

  • 1

    12 iconic beauties who make the case for the cat eye

    Like red lipstick, cat eyes owe their timeless appeal to their spectacular, style-defining range that can, depending on application, telegraph Old Hollywood glamour, graphic minimalism, or counter-culture punk—what else do Siouxsie Sioux and Brigitte Bardot have in common? It’s impossible to think of Marilyn Monroe without those heavy-lidded bedroom eyes or Amy Winehouse sans her subversive, exaggerated swipe. A mere sweep of eye pencil transformed Anna Karina from a fresh-faced teenager into a French New Wave style icon, and Sophia Loren’s wide-eyed gaze has been forever etched into our collective memory with a frame of perfectly delineated black powder liner. Today, Alexa Chung gives the look a modern ease with a signature liquid swoosh that feels right whether she’s heading to brunch, the airport, or the red carpet. Here’s a look at the best feline eyes of all time. We feel certain that Choupette would approve.

  • 1

    10 of the sexiest denim campaigns of all time

    Have you ever noticed that denim ads are some of the sexiest? And most memorable? We can’t tell you how many of the people featured on our site, jeanstories.com, swoon as they reminisce about the first time they watched the 1985 Levis’s 501s “Laundrette” TV spot featuring hte handsome Nick Kamen—who ended up , ahem, sans jeans. As for print ads, think Guess, Calvin Klein…not only sexy, but envelope-pushing and groundbreaking. If concerned mothers of America are writing angry letters to their local newspapers about the boob-baring faces of your campaign, you, as a jeans brand, know you’ve done something right.

  • 1

    10 unexpected ways to wear pearls From Head to Toe

    Although summer is winding down and days spent by the beach are numbered, there is one gift of the dog days that we can take with us through fall: the pearl. Whether it is dotting denim or lining sandals, the lustrous rarity has become the embellishment of the season and is no longer confined to your grandmother’s jewelry box. For this week’s Most Wanted, we explore how to make your sartorial world your oyster with the ocean gem, along with some of our favorite “pearls of wisdom” to guide you.

  • s1

    Hair how-to: 8 ways to upgrade your bun

    These buns are haute! Pretty twists spotted on this year’s runway put a couture spin on the go-to bun.

  • Plus-size layering tips

    Plus-size layering tips that work for everyone

    It's far too often that "The Best Styling Tricks Evaaarrrr"-type stories leave you at a loss. Sure, if you had the legs of a supermodel and a closet full of designer goods, you, too, could probably pull off wearing a shoe on your head and your drop-crotch pants backward. But, for real life, where looking not-crazy is as important as looking unique, sartorial advice needs to be more tailored to accessibility, practicality, and what's actually flattering. So, yes, this story is titled "Plus-Size Layering Tips," but we're confident these pointers can benefit everyone's dressing game.

follow us
follow us follow us on facebook follow us on pinterest follow us on twitter
buzzing now on msn living
Loading...
about our blog contributors
Loading...
style videos
editor's picks
Loading...