Weird fashion solutions

By Britt Olson

Darn grates, always scraping away at our heels. But you don’t need to sacrifice your favorite shoes to the street. Use a prophylactic on those pumps. Your responsibility is rewarded with excessive adornments (bows, baubles, plumes) that would please both Imelda Marcos and Carrie Bradshaw.

Some women already have a lot of weight on their shoulders from their chests. Why strap on more baggage when you can use what you’ve got? The RackTrap, a small zip-up pouch that holds your essentials, stores easily in your bosom. It’s the perfect solution, so long as you don’t mind fondling yourself in the checkout line.

When the supposedly cellulite-busting shoes first came out in Japan, Western skepticism and interest piqued. Could a sneaker really cure that scourge? Did it have to be so ugly? The controversy continued. Sketcher’s ultimately settled a $40 million dollar class action suit involving their Shape-Up style of the tennie.

While you don’t wear the Intimia pillow in public (or shouldn’t) you do wear it while you sleep each night, which means that you probably don it more than your favorite shoes. The Dr. Oz endorsed device is supposed to make sleeping on your side more comfortable and less damaging to your décolletage. And it will get you out of having sex with your spouse.

The denim line favored by cattle ranchers recently recruited Mick Jagger’s daughter Lizzie to be the face of a dungaree collection. But that’s not the strange part. Wrangler’s Denim Spa jeans are infused with three hydrating finishes: Aloe Vera, Olive Extract or Smooth Legs, which purports to combat cellulite.

Not everyone is trying to eliminate their derriere. Padded panties are the solution to those who feel their butt could use a lift. Although the added cushioning may be useful in the bleacher seats, it must feel a little phony to be propped up at your desk by your underwear.

The world is a dangerous place. Are you doing everything you can to protect yourself? Of course not. Wearing a bra that turns into a gas mask will keep your boobs perky and you safe from any sudden chemical explosions. It only comes in red, however. You know, for danger.

Waking up, getting dressed, not leaving a trail of toast crumbs behind you as you crawl from your bed to the couch: Sometimes it’s a lot of work. For those days (or every day) there are Slipper Genie slippers. See you’re not just aimlessly shuffling about the house. You’re cleaning.

If you like to wear really, really tight pants made of microfiber but don’t want people to know what’s underneath, then By By Lines panty liners are your solution to any unwanted frontal geometry. Or just go up a size, OK?   

You know how your necklace can orbit your neck leaving the pendant in the back and the clasp in the front (make a wish)? Isn’t that the worst thing ever? Necessities Secure Strips adhere the clasp to the back of your nape with a small piece of adhesive. Like tape? Yes, exactly.