The Heart Beat

Revenge surgery: A new trend for the recently divorced

Kristin Wong — Mon, 20 May 2013 09:57:41 -0700

Well, here's an expensive way to get back at your ex.

According to recent statistics and plastic surgeons alike, more divorcees are opting to go under the knife. Aside from a fuller chest or plumper pout, what's their motive?

Revenge.

A study from the National Women's Health Resource Center discovered that about 40 percent of recently divorced women are seeking cosmetic surgery. Yes, these women want to improve their looks, but showing off for an ex is part of the package, too.

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Dr. Anthony Youn, a cosmetic surgeon based in Detroit, estimates that about 20 percent of his patients are recently divorced.

"These patients usually fit into one of three categories," Youn writes in an article for CNN. "The largest group is recent divorcees who are back 'on the market' and want to enhance their appearance to be more attractive to the opposite sex. A smaller group ... have always wanted to have plastic surgery but their ex-spouses disallowed it. The divorce frees them to finally go under the knife."

And then there are the revenge seekers, a group increasing in numbers.

Youn describes one such patient named Carol, who came to him asking for a tummy tuck, breast enhancement, neck lift and Megan Fox eyes. "The works," she called it.

Youn asked Carol why she felt the need to undergo such a transformation. Her response:

"Because. My husband left me for a younger woman. And I want revenge."

This trend isn't just staking its claim in the States. In the U.K., 26 percent of plastic surgery patients are recently divorced women, and 11 percent are recently divorced men, according to the Transform Plastic Surgery Group.

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Divorce is stressful and heartbreaking and Youn warns that making major medical decisions and undergoing surgery might not be the best idea in the middle of all that stress.

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But that doesn't stop a handful of other surgeons from encouraging the "revenge surgery" trend.

Dr. Brent Moelleken, for example, is a cosmetic surgeon who recently appeared on "The Dr. Oz Show" to talk about post-divorce surgery. His take on the matter?

"Hopefully people aren't actually out for revenge. But it never hurts to look great."

What do you think? Is revenge surgery harmless or unhealthy?

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Photo: Nicolas Hansen/Getty Images

More modern brides take husband’s last name

Kristin Wong — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:43:27 -0700

For a while, brides were kicking the custom of taking their husband’s name. In 2009, researchers found a 20-year trend of women keeping their maiden names, or at least hyphenating.

But now, that trend has reversed. Since 2011, young brides are more likely to abandon their own surname for their husband’s.

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A recent study conducted by Facebook and The Daily Beast examined the profiles of 14 million married women, ages 20 to 79. They found that 65 percent of women in their 20s and 30s changed their name after marriage.

But the study doesn’t take into account how many of those women have legally changed their names. Despite this, another 2011 study reflects the findings of the Facebook study.

In a report titled, “Names: A Journal of Onomastics,” researchers found that women who tied the knot between 35 and 39 were 6.4 times more likely to keep their maiden name than women between 20 and 24. This proves that young brides are definitely the ones leading this trend.

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So what’s the motivation behind the change? Donna L. Lillian, a professor who has been studying the phenomenon since the '80s, offers an explanation to The Daily Beast. Lillian says young women have likely seen their mothers struggle with hyphenations.

“Some of the younger women I've surveyed said they planned to take their husband’s surname ... since their mother had received so much hassle … [they] don’t want to go through the same amount of hassle.”

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But the change isn’t sitting well with some. Cristina Lucia Stasia is the president of women’s rights organization Lucy Stone League. She says the trend is evidence of prevailing sexism in marriage traditions.

“What’s empowering about taking your husband’s name?” she asks The Daily Beast. “It’s Disney princess movies, it’s Mrs. Gosling T-shirts. We’re not supposed to think about the fact that we have our own identity. We’re just supposed to accept this sexist paradigm.”

What do you think — is taking the husband’s name outdated? Or is it a reverse trend that should be re-established as tradition?

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Photo: Bride and groom cake topper / Jacqueline Veissid/Getty Images

Heartbroken bride finds another groom at wedding

Kristin Wong — Wed, 15 May 2013 09:30:32 -0700

They say the best way to get over someone is to meet someone else. One woman from Madhya Pradesh, India, really took that advice to heart.

A bride named Ruksar was all set to marry her fiancé, Parvez, on Monday. But her wedding turned out to be a daylong drama-filled event that, eventually, had a happy ending.

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As the palatial ceremony began, a 30-year-old woman stormed into Ruskar’s wedding. Her name? Radhika Chouhan. Her problem? She’d been dating the groom for the past eight years. In fact, they lived together. With their two children.

According to the Times of India, Radhika slapped Parvez and refused to allow the wedding to continue.

"Parvez had told me that he is going to Gujarat,” she said. “But when I called him up on his number, it was [busy]. What surprised me was that the recorded message was in Hindi, not in Gujarati. I then reached Parvez's home only to find that he is getting married.”

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Obviously, the bride was heartbroken. And while the families were skeptical about Radhika’s claims, once she showed them photographic evidence of her relationship with the groom, the wedding was called off indefinitely.

But there was another contender.

Amid the drama, one of the wedding guests came forward to offer his son as a new groom for Ruksar. The new groom said:

"My parents asked me for the marriage, and I couldn't deny."

Let’s hope he left that out of the vows.

At any rate, the bride and her new groom were married later that night. Thankfully, that wedding went through without any interruptions.

Despite the drama, Ruksar kept a positive attitude about the situation, saying,

“God had a better plan for me.”

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Photo: Bride finds another groom at wedding / Education Images/UIG/Getty Images

Op-ed: You don’t need to find your husband in college

HerCampus.com — Mon, 13 May 2013 09:35:59 -0700

Most girls dream of getting married. Some dedicate an entire Pinterest board to their future wedding before they even have a boyfriend (guilty as charged); others daydream about the day they’ll meet their husband. But according to some, our days to have that fateful encounter are numbered.

When Susan Patton, a guest contributor to The Daily Princetonian and president of Princeton University’s class of 1977, told her audience that they should find their spouses before they graduate, many college women began to freak out.

“Does that mean my friend with benefits will become my husband?” “Am I deemed a lonely spinster before my life really begins?” Though Patton justifies her controversial claim with her sons’ experiences, her argument is offensive and fails to recognize that restricting yourself to marrying your college beau has its set of drawbacks and limitations.

“Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated,” Patton argues. “It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty.”

Wait a second, so is Patton trying to say that we have to be pretty or somewhat inferior to get married? Perhaps she hasn’t received the memo, but a little bit of personality goes a long way. Suggesting that guys would rather marry a girl with beauty over brains is degrading and fails to recognize that marriage should be much more than physical attraction.

So what does she mean?

“Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are,” Patton says. “And I say again: You will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.”

We should take this as a compliment to an extent; however, her statement isn’t entirely true. First of all, who is to say that intellect is the only thing that women look for in a spouse? Having a riveting conversation with your husband is important; however, Patton doesn’t acknowledge that there are people who are “street smart” or didn’t have the money to attend a top-tier school. And quite frankly, I’d rather be with a guy who is loyal and caring than a former classmate who isn’t those things any day.

Though we might be OK with a spouse who isn’t as smart as we are, Patton also argues that men may not want to “marry up.” A powerful and intelligent woman does sound intimidating; however, Patton is also forgetting that there are college men at equally prestigious schools who are “worthy of you.” Though it seems like ages ago, we did apply to a bevy of schools that matched our test scores and GPA. So unless all the heterosexual male students from those schools found true love in college, which is unlikely, there will be single guys who are “just as smart or smarter than we are” out there after graduation.

With a world of eligible bachelors to choose from, why should we narrow our choices down to the boys who grace our own campus’s quad? Once you graduate, you’ll have so many opportunities to meet guys: work, graduate school, post-work cocktails and your friends, just to name a few.

From a statistical standpoint, young married couples are the underdogs.

Clark University’s Poll of Emerging Adults found that 86 percent of young adults in America expect their marriage to last a lifetime. Though the idea of a college sweetheart is endearing, there’s a big chance you will not live happily ever after. While The Huffington Post reports that the national divorce rate is declining, more young couples are divorcing. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 60 percent of American couples who marry between 20 and 25 [years old] eventually divorce. That doesn’t scream matrimonial bliss to me.

Read the rest of the op-ed on Her Campus here.

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Photo: College couple / Paul Bradbury/Getty Images

Transgender woman wins legal battle to marry

Kristin Wong — Mon, 13 May 2013 08:21:34 -0700

She’s known only as W. Not many specifics are known about the Hong Kong woman, but this morning, her story made headlines — and history. Now in her 30s, W was born a man but underwent surgery in 2008 to become a woman. Today, Hong Kong’s top court granted her the right to marry her boyfriend.

While the ruling falls short of allowing same-sex marriage, W is, of course, pleased with the groundbreaking legal win.

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"I'm very glad that I can finally get married to my beloved boyfriend in Hong Kong,” she told reporters on a conference call.

In mainland China and in many other places in the Asia-Pacific region, same-sex marriage is illegal, but the law does allow transgender people to marry based on their new gender. China made the law official in 2003, and Hong Kong’s decision now follows suit. A transgender person born a male can marry a man, and a transgender person born a female can marry a woman.

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News outlets have called the ruling a surprising “watershed” moment for Hong Kong’s Court of Final Appeal.

W says she hopes the decision will help change society’s view of sexual minorities. In a statement read by W’s lawyer, Michael Vidler, she added that she has been living “as a woman and been treated as a woman in all respects except as regards my right to marriage. This decision rights that wrong.”

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The court’s judges pointed out, “It appears in the Asia-Pacific region, such marriages are permitted.” In addition to mainland China, transgender marriage is also legal in Singapore, India, South Korea and Japan, to name a few. Same-sex marriage is still rare in this part of the world, however.

As W reaches her lifetime milestone, Hong Kong’s decision is also a milestone in the fight for gender equality.

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Photo: Reporters' microphones surround a speakerphone as a transgender woman speaks on it after she won a legal ruling at Hong Kong’s top court allowing her to marry, in Hong Kong //Vincent Yu/AP

French company to roll out scented underwear for men

Glamour Magazine — Thu, 09 May 2013 08:53:30 -0700

By Gena Kaufman

Sometimes you just need to stop and smell the roses. And by roses I do mean your guy's scented underwear, which is a real thing possibly coming to a store near you in the future.
French company Le Slip Francais has raised more than 19,000 euros on a crowd-funding website to start selling scented underwear for guys. The briefs are scented with micro-capsules of a subtle, homemade, "masculine" perfume that is based on musk and pears. (A list of hilarious alternative scent suggestions.)

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A man's movement will cause the capsules to release perfume, and the scent of musky, manly glory will last for up to 30 washes.

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After that, you'll have to deal with regular scent of his underwear. Um, sorry?

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Does this sound appealing to you? Would you want your guy to have perfume down there? Or is it just plain old weird?

Photo: French company to launch scented underwear / Courtesy of Le Slip Francais

There's an antibiotic that can prevent cheating?

Glamour Magazine — Wed, 08 May 2013 09:20:27 -0700

By Gena Kaufman

According to a study out of Japan, there’s an antibiotic that might prevent men from falling for "femme fatales" -- a nice, subtle way to shift the blame to women, methinks.

In order to analyze the effects of the drug, men were asked to evaluate photos of women, rating them for attractiveness and trustworthiness, and then to say how much money they’d be willing to give them. The men who took the antibiotic Minocycline were less likely to trust the women and give them money, which apparently means they are less likely to be seduced by them.

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I'm no scientist or doctor, but can't overuse of antibiotics leave a body completely vulnerable to the bacteria it's supposed to protect against? Or lead to a mutant strain of seduction bacteria that can't be treated, therefore causing a man to just hand over all his money to every woman he passes while drowning in a pool of his own drool?

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This sounds dangerous, based on my faulty, not scientifically sound logic.

Even if that's not the case -- which, um, it's probably not -- I'm not so clear on how and when men would use this drug. I'm all for using science to benefit relationships, but if a guy needs drugs to keep it in his pants — "it" being his money and other things — I don't want to stick around to see if an antibiotic treatment could help.

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If this antibiotic were available to him, would you want your guy to take an anti-cheating dosage?

Photo: Sam Edwards/Getty Images

Most marriages don't survive infidelity

Kristin Wong — Tue, 07 May 2013 09:17:58 -0700

Marriages can, of course, survive cheating. Many of them do. But getting there is a complicated process.

It's possible for relationships to continue post-affair, but should they? How successful are couples who try to work things out? And how do you even begin to repair a relationship after infidelity?

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Last year, dating site Ourtime.com found that only 42 percent of adults polled would be willing to work on a relationship after finding out their partner had cheated. According to that poll, most of us would rather move on.

Only 31 percent of marriages last after an affair has been discovered, says the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Another interesting statistic: Only 15 to 20 percent of adulterers cheat more than once, according to Bill Mitchell, author of "The More You Know."

Rick Reynolds is the man behind the relationship site AffairRecovery.com. He started the online help forum after an affair nearly wrecked his marriage. He told MSN Living’s The Heart Beat that couples can not only recover from infidelity, but can also “find a higher level of marital satisfaction than they once had.”

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But a few conditions exist. The unfaithful spouse must be repentant, honest and willing to fully engage in the recovery. As recovery begins, the hurt spouse must witness positive changes taking place.

But if there’s ongoing abuse or either party refuses to do what’s necessary to maintain the relationship, it might be best to move on, Reynolds adds.

"From the beginning, I tell people this process will take anywhere from 18 to 24 months, and it might even take longer," he says. "And even if they take responsibility for healing both as individuals and as a couple, there is one last barrier I see that happens toward the end of the process. Will they choose to be married?"

He offered The Heart Beat some tips for starting the healing process:

Find others who have survived an affair and are doing well.
Stay focused on the activities that help you move forward.
Find a group of others who are recovering from infidelity to help with empathy development and emotional regulation.
Find professionals who specialize in infidelity.

What do you think? Have you been hurt by infidelity, and if so, would you recommend trying to repair the relationship? Or is it best to move on?

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Photo: Angry couple / Tetra Images/Getty Images

Graduate wears wedding gown under robe

Associated_Press — Mon, 06 May 2013 11:36:43 -0700

PULLMAN, Wash. (AP) — With friends and family already gathered for her graduation from Washington State University, Cassie Dotts thought it would be a good time for another ceremony: her wedding.

She married University of Idaho fisheries science graduate Ben Ho in a ceremony Friday in Moscow, Idaho. Then she received her doctorate in veterinary medicine in Saturday's WSU graduation in Pullman, Wash.

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The Moscow-Pullman Daily News reports that Dotts wore her cap and gown over her wedding dress for people who wanted to see her as both a graduate and newlywed.

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The couple plans to move to Dotts' native Nevada, where she plans to work as a veterinarian in Las Vegas.

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Photo: Cassie Dotts Ho and her husband, Ben, at the Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine commencement ceremony May 4. (Dean Hare/Moscow-Pullman Daily News/AP)

Is saying 'no' to the invitation a new wedding trend?

Charyn Pfeuffer - MSN Living Editor — Mon, 06 May 2013 08:37:13 -0700

Last year, Marissa Anwar, a 29-year-old operations consultant from Ontario, Canada, dropped $7,000 to attend six weddings, reports the Toronto Sun. This sum covered gifts, dresses, travel, bridal showers and bachelorette parties. Saddled with personal debt, the financial burden associated with her friends' big days caused the frequent guest to make a decision: no more weddings.

“It adds up really quickly,” Anwar told the newspaper, adding that she has turned down about five invitations since instituting her no-go policy. “Girls can be very extravagant with their weddings, but not everyone can afford to drop a few hundred dollars as a wedding guest or a member of the bridal party multiple times a year. It’s just too much.”

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Anwar is not alone. According to the wedding website TheKnot.com, the average bridesmaid spends roughly $1,385 when adding all potential costs. Then consider that almost a quarter of all weddings in 2012 were destination events, which can cause the price of celebrating your favorite couple’s big day to skyrocket.

But saying no isn’t easy, and for many people, it causes feelings of remorse.

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A Los Angeles-based freelance writer recalls not attending her former roommate’s wedding more than a decade ago. She’d just moved cross-country, money was tight, and the wedding fell over the holidays (read: expensive flights) in some hard-to-get-to Northeastern town. Oh, and her car had just died.

“I had a few hundred extra dollars in my bank account, and it was either spend it on a wedding, not see my family for Christmas and hope for the best with my car, or use it for a car and/or maybe see my grandparents; it was the last for my grandfather, I think, for the holidays,” she told me.

The really bad part?

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“I was supposed to be in the wedding,” she told me. She says she felt horrible and was not on speaking terms with her friend for a few years after that. They’re on good terms now but, she admits to still feeling pangs of guilt for not being able to follow through.

JC was in the same position when her best friend got hitched in 2009.

Her friend was getting married out of state, and JC doesn’t drive. “I was factoring the costs for travel, hotel, outfit, gift and money in case of emergencies, and I knew I was fooling myself,” she told me. “I was barely making rent. I was literally saving so I could file Chapter 7.”

Jennifer suspects she wasn’t the only one unable to attend a longtime friend’s wedding due to costs. After her friend had been searching, and trying to wait patiently for many years, they decided on a location at a Washington resort right on Puget Sound.

“It was a remote resort, so my only option was to stay for $225 a night,” she told me. “In the middle of a divorce while simultaneously hunting for a job, I just couldn't afford the wedding weekend and had to very sadly decline.”

So, when your budget won’t budge or you’re hit with a rapid-fire succession of friends getting hitched, how do you politely decline an invitation to an event that many women spend their entire lives dreaming about?

“People should continue to make their dream wedding plans, but they absolutely can't hold a grudge if you can't make it for financial reasons,” says Chelsea Lin, who reluctantly missed a good friend's wedding at a time when she was unemployed, broke and about 1,000 miles away. “Heck, I think that's part of the reason people plan elaborate destination weddings: to keep so many guests away.”

Tell us: Have you ever turned down a wedding invitation because cost was a factor?

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Photo: New wedding trend: saying no to invitations / Rob Melnychuk/Getty Images

New app will 'burn' your sext messages

HerCampus.com — Fri, 03 May 2013 09:51:43 -0700

Texting offers us a way to feel closer to the people far away from us. However, sometimes the person that you're texting wants to take it to the next level so that you can feel even closer, and as much as you might want to do so, the prospect of sexting can seem totally terrifying.

Your mind tends to start racing with the possible consequences of indulging — What if someone reads what I write? What if he saves them and shows them to his friends? What if eventually these get leaked and my conservative family completely disowns me?

A new app called BurnNote eliminates those negative possibilities! Just like SnapChat made it easy to send embarrassing (and even dirty) photos that disappear without a trace, BurnNote makes sure that the raunchy message you sent is "burned" after reading. BurnNote automatically deletes messages from your iPhone, Android or computer after the timer runs out. The app also uses special technology to make the content "resistant to copying, capture via screenshots, and the glances of curious bystanders."

Of course, this app isn't meant to encourage you to send out explicit content. Even with this technology, you should proceed with caution if you decide to send something that you normally wouldn't. Even if the app promises that no one other than the intended viewer will ever see what you send, you should never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable!

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Beyond that, BurnNote is useful even if you're not interested in sexting anytime soon. You can safely talk to your best friend about issues you're having in your relationship or other friendships, ask someone in the class before yours what was on a big exam, or rant to your boyfriend about your evil roommate — without fear of retribution! Once you send your message and the recipient reads it, it's permanently deleted and gone forever.

Whether you need to vent, gossip or send some steamy messages, BurnNote is definitely the way to go if you're sending out any messages you'd label "viewer discretion advised."

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Photo: BurnNote app / Courtesy of iTunes App Store

The month people have the most sex is ...

Glamour Magazine — Thu, 02 May 2013 08:44:32 -0700

By Gena Kaufman

In the most important ongoing debate of our time — the ranking of seasons according to their effect on our love lives — the people have spoken. When it comes to sex, summer reigns supreme.
According to a British survey of 2,000 people who were asked to share the month in which they have the most sex, things heat up in more than one way in August. It was the most popular month for getting it on. In last place? February, so thanks for nothing, Valentine's Day.

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Clearly people's preferred sexy times correlate with warmer weather, with July, June and May taking the next top spots. December was the only winter month to sneak into the top half, so I guess holiday cheer — and by cheer, I mean too much eggnog — trumps being cold.

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After February, November and January also proved to be real mood killers. And luckily, it's now May, because April also fell into the bottom half when it comes to sexy months.

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What's the best age to get married?

Kristin Wong — Thu, 02 May 2013 08:19:32 -0700

True love is supposed to come when you least expect it. But if you want to go by the stats, it comes in your late 20s.

Recent statistics from the Census Bureau show that the average age of first marriage for women is 27. For men, it's 29. Those numbers are up from previous years, so it appears that young couples are delaying marriage — or refraining from it altogether.

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Why are we postponing matrimony? Experts say marriage used to be a way to kick off adulthood. Now, it's the final frontier.

The National Marriage Project noted:

"Culturally, young adults have increasingly come to see marriage as a 'capstone' rather than a 'cornerstone' — that is, something they do after they have all their other ducks in a row, rather than a foundation for launching into adulthood and parenthood."

With age usually comes maturity, and licensed marriage therapist Barbi Pecenco Kolski stresses the importance of maturity in marriage. When it comes to successful unions, "Research says that commitment is key," she tells The Heart Beat.

"And commitment takes maturity … [Postponing marriage] seems to be a conscious, mindful choice, as opposed to thinking as long as you find your soulmate, everything will be great."

Sociologist Paul Amato of Pennsylvania State University conducted research on marriage for a 2007 book titled, "Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing." He noted:

"Older marriages (30s vs. 20s) were more cohesive in the sense they did things more often together as a couple. And couples who married at older ages were less likely to report thinking about divorce or that their marriage was in trouble."

There are other benefits to waiting. Research found that women who delay marriage until their 30s make an extra $18,152 a year. And couples who marry younger are more likely to divorce than those who marry later in life.

Of course, there are advocates for marrying young. Kolski explains:

"… There is this delicate balance between getting married at an age when we can comprehend what we are getting ourselves into … but also not taking too long, so that your fertility is compromised."

Other arguments include, "The pool of possible mates is larger" and, "It's when couples can 'grow up' together," reports USA Today.

If there is an ideal age, what do most of us agree it is? A 1946 Gallup Poll found that most people thought the ideal age for marriage was 25 for men and 21 for women. In 2006, that jumped to 27 and 25, respectively.

Sure, wisdom comes with age, but is there something to be said for growing up with your soul mate?

What do you think? Is there an ideal age to get hitched?

Barbi Pecenco Kolski is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in San Diego.

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Photo: Bride and groom / Westend61/Getty Images

Buddy Cups: The new creepy way to meet people

Glamour Magazine — Wed, 01 May 2013 12:45:20 -0700

By Gena Kaufman

This morning as I settled into my usual routine of sipping a cup of coffee while catching up on the DVR-ed shows I couldn't stay up for last night, "The Colbert Report" introduced me to this new method of socializing that makes me never want to say "Cheers!" again.

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Budweiser devised these Buddy Cups -- or as Steven Colbert renamed them, Stalker Steins. The cups are integrated with Facebook, so that when two people clink their cups together, they automatically become "friends" online.

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See the video demonstration here.

They are also integrated with really, really uncomfortable moments, such as when you have to be the jerk who flat-out refuses to raise a glass to that weird dude you really don't want seeing your vacation photos or leaving creepy messages on your wall for your mom to see. Sorry, "buddy," no cheers to you.

Photo: Still of Budweiser's new Buddy Cups (BudBrasilOficial via YouTube)

Has marriage become obsolete?

Kristin Wong — Wed, 01 May 2013 08:55:02 -0700

Marriage ain't what it used to be. And we're not talking divorce rates or unconventional wedding ceremonies.

Historians and sociologists will tell you that marriage was originally more about business than marital bliss. Over the centuries, tying the knot has evolved quite a bit.

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Considering how much the world has changed, some experts now argue that marriage is obsolete. In fact, 40 percent of people agree with this sentiment, according to a 2010 poll from the Pew Research Center.

In an article for Psychology Today, professor and researcher Aaron Ben-Zeév suggests:

"The problem with marriages is really the fundamental problem with Marriage: marriages are falling apart in large part because Marriage is no longer necessary. At least, not in the way it once was."

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Gender roles have become more flexible, and women have much more economic freedom than they once did. Times are changing and, ultimately, so are unions. Ben-Zeév argues that our modern world is no longer "largely agrarian, with a neatly gendered division of labor within households." Therefore, the original purpose of marriage is outdated.

OK, so marriage has changed. It's less about labor division and more about love. But doesn't that make us happy? Maybe not.

"… there is also evidence that marriage is detrimental," Ben-Zeév says. "The National Marriage Project found that the percentage of upper-middle-class white women who described their marriages as happy dropped from 74% to 68% over the last decades. Other studies find that married women are more likely to be depressed than unmarried women, and that women with stepchildren are far more likely to be clinically depressed than those without."

Change is gradual, however, and not easy to accept.

"Those who propose a return to 'traditional marriages' had better also provide time machines. Marriage is married to its historical moment, and we’ve entered a new one."

But despite everything, it appears we're still holding out hope for tying the knot.

Historian Stephanie Coontz helped lead the Pew poll in which four in 10 Americans said marriage is becoming obsolete. She noted that, despite our reservations, most of us still believe in the institution.

"People rightly recognize that marriage is no longer essential," Coontz says, but "the majority of Americans still value marriage very deeply."

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Photo: Bride and groom getting married / g01xm/Getty Images

Fidel Castro's niece to get gay-rights award in US

Associated_Press — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:01:34 -0700

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — The daughter of Cuban President Raul Castro will be allowed to travel to Philadelphia to accept an award for her gay-rights advocacy, officials said Tuesday, reversing a previous decision to reject her visa request.

Mariela Castro will attend the Equality Forum's annual conference on civil rights for lesbians, gays, bisexual and transgender people, according to Malcolm Lazin, the advocacy group's executive director.

Lazin, who had blasted the State Department's travel denial last week, said organizers are "delighted" at the change of heart.

"She is unquestionably the leader for progressive change for the LGBT community in Cuba," Lazin said Tuesday. "Her accomplishments are nothing short of remarkable."

A U.S. official confirmed that Castro has been authorized to go to the event. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because visa records are confidential.

High-ranking Cuban government officials and Communist Party members cannot enter the U.S. without special dispensation. But Cuban academics, scientists and entertainers are finding it easier to visit because President Barack Obama's administration has relaxed travel restrictions.

Castro, a married mother of three, is the niece of retired Cuban strongman Fidel Castro. She is also the director of Cuba's National Center for Sex Education, part of Cuba's public-health ministry, and is the country's most prominent gay-rights activist.

Castro has instituted awareness campaigns, trained police on relations with the LGBT community and lobbied lawmakers to legalize same-sex unions. She was elected as a deputy in Cuba's parliament in February.

On Saturday in Philadelphia, she will speak about her experiences and receive an award from the Equality Forum.

Lazin said that Castro had accepted the group's invitation months ago and that he was surprised by the initial visa denial because she had been allowed to attend an academic conference in San Francisco last year.

But some Cuban-American lawmakers blasted that decision, calling Castro a shill for her family's Communist dictatorship. At the time, Sen. Robert Menendez, D-N.J., called her "a vociferous advocate of the regime and opponent of democracy."

Menendez was traveling in Central America on Tuesday and was unavailable for comment, a spokesman said.

Photo: Mariela Castro, daughter of Cuban President Raul Castro in 2012 / AP Photo/Eric Risberg, File

Martha Stewart’s on Match.com, so who should she date?

Charyn Pfeuffer - MSN Living Editor — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:32:50 -0700

Yes, 71-year-old Martha Stewart is ready to make a love connection and has turned to online dating site Match.com.

“You may recognize me from my pictures. Yes, it's really me," she writes on the site. “I've been curious about online dating for a long time, but, like lots of people, have been reluctant to take the leap.”

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Steward told Matt Lauer of "Today" that her longtime relationship ended “a couple of years ago” and that she hasn’t found “the next Mr. Right.”

In her Match.com profile, Stewart lists many interests including cooking, travel, fishing/hunting and the symphony, opera and rap.

“So while I’m open to all kinds of people and love to be surprised, here’s what I know I appreciate in a man: Someone who’s intelligent, established and curious; and who relishes adventure and new experiences as much as I do,” Stewart writes in her profile.

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Who do you think the successful businesswoman should get to know (ahem) better?

How about New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, the richest bachelor in the world, according to Forbes? Or billionaire Brazilian mining tycoon Eike Batista? Maybe should she release her inner cougar and try to tame someone like Hollywood hottie Leonardo DiCaprio?

Another possibility – potential culinary-savvy suitors could compete for Stewart’s affection on “The Bachelorette,” perhaps through a series “Top Chef” Quickfire Challenges?

Or maybe it’s time for the lifestyle guru to settle down and sail into her golden years with someone who doesn’t care about the spotlight.

Tell us: Who do you think is Stewart’s perfect match?

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Photo: Martha Stewart / Andy Kropa/Getty Images

Why nice guys actually do finish last

Kristin Wong — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:17:00 -0700

As the loving girlfriend of a classic nice guy, I've never quite understood the complaint that they finish last. "Girls always want bad boys," my male friends often lament. "I feel like I should be a jerk just to get dates."

Admittedly, the stats support their claim. A 2012 University of Texas study found that ovulating women view bad boys as better mating partners. In 2011, researchers from Notre Dame and Cornell found a link between "agreeableness" and low earnings for men. And a poll from that same year found that women do indeed have a thing for broody boys.

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So what's the deal? Why do some women fall for rebellious dudes and not their nice, dependable counterparts?

Dating and relationship expert Lucia says there are two main reasons. She tells MSN Living’s The Heart Beat:

“Nice guys don't set boundaries. They let women get away with everything and agree with anything they say or want to do. Women don't respect men who behave like doormats and can't be attracted to men they don't respect.”

She adds, “Nice guys don’t appear to be as confident as ‘bad boys.’” Confidence is a crucial trait when it comes to attractiveness, Lucia says.

In an article for YourTango.com, she also says that being too nice can be counterproductive: “No one can always be that nice unless they're a saint. They are busy being nice instead of being real, and women instinctually don't trust that."

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Nice guys will argue that women simply crave excitement. Lucia doesn't disagree.

"Women are attracted to bad boys for a multitude of reasons, only one of which is challenge. The type of women who are interested in the challenge are generally younger, have a low self-esteem and/or are afraid of intimacy and don't want a real relationship.”

But there's hope yet. Researchers Geoffrey Urbaniak and Peter Kilmann authored "Physical Attractiveness and the 'Nice Guy Paradox': Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?" In that study, they found that kindness is the most important trait women seek when choosing a serious partner.

"Niceness appeared to be the most salient factor when it came to desirability for more serious relationships, whereas physical attractiveness appeared more important in terms of desirability for more casual, sexual relationships."

When it comes to dating, perhaps bad boys have the advantage, though this study seems to find it's more about looks than anything else. But when it comes to the long haul, women do indeed fall for kindness and agreeability.

Bing: This kind of man is more likely to cheat, study finds

“Everything in life is about balance,” Lucia says. “Guys who are too nice need to understand that the ideal man is neither a bad boy nor a nice guy but a combination of both.”

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Photo: Philip Lee Harvey/Getty Images

Some suffer from 'The Little Mermaid Syndrome'

Kristin Wong — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 10:31:52 -0700

When young Ariel saves Prince Eric in the Disney classic “The Little Mermaid,” it’s love at first sight. Sure, he was comatose, but boy, was he handsome.

Shauna Springer is a psychologist and author who recently warned about “The Little Mermaid Syndrome” in an article for Psychology Today. She examines Ariel’s desire to leave her entire life behind for a man she doesn’t even know. In the movie, it’s kind of romantic. In real life, Springer argues, it’s unhealthy.

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“This is a woman with an incredibly high level of trust, reliance and commitment who has no real knowledge of who this man actually is,” Springer writes. “Really, all that she knows about him is that he is handsome and rich and has probably had it easy his whole life. Given these realities, if she were smart, she should see whether he can demonstrate, over time, that he is neither arrogant nor entitled and that he is willing to do his fair share of the more crappy chores in life.”

But real-life Ariels don’t give it time. They rush into relationships without considering trust and commitment. Springer gives a few examples of Little Mermaid behavior:

Flying to another city to meet someone you've just met online.
Moving across the country to live with someone you know only through Internet correspondence.
Quitting your job to become available for someone you've just met (Springer amusingly likens it to becoming a participant on “The Bachelor”).

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Committing too quickly also sends a negative message about one's self-worth, she adds.

Dating coach and therapist Marni Battista wrote about the phenomenon in a piece for DivineCaroline.com. Springer calls it Little Mermaid Syndrome; Battista calls it "I met an amazing guy!" syndrome. Either way, she sums up the feeling pretty well:

“The feelings you have when you know he is head and shoulders better than anyone you have ever met before, and you hear yourself telling your girlfriends that there is nobody who has given you butterflies like this in years. … It feels incredible.”

Battista suggests that women “pace the dating process appropriately.” Don’t put Prince Eric on a pedestal. Give him time to show who he truly is, Battista says.

“How is he showing up six months down the line when he feels that perhaps he has ‘caught’ you and the relationship has settled into some sort of routine?”

It’s also worth noting that, in the original Hans Christian Andersen version of Disney’s story, the mermaid gets depressed, throws herself into the ocean and dissolves into foam.

“I’m not saying that despair and a conversion into sea foam awaits all who fall prey to the Little Mermaid Syndrome,” Springer says. “...but it is interesting that in the original tale, there is a sense of harsh consequences stemming from the impulsive actions of the youthful mermaid.”

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Photo: Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" / Paul Hiffmeyer/Disneyland Resort /AP)

Unfaithful spouses prefer chain restaurants

Kristin Wong — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:35:36 -0700

And the No.1 restaurant cheaters prefer to take their lovers to is …

Wait. First, let us explain just what's going on here.

A new survey conducted by affair site AshleyMadison.com wanted to find where the infidelity-prone choose to dine while committing adultery. Yes, 42,890 of the site's members were polled, and the survey found that chain restaurants such as Red Lobster are surprisingly popular places for cheaters to take their dates.

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In fact, the Lobster came in ninth on the list of "America's Top Restaurants for Cheaters."

One question: With a survey this widespread, how would a mom-and-pop place make the list — wouldn't the results be chains by default? The mystery remains, but AshleyMadison's CEO, Noel Biderman, insists that chain restaurants are popular affair destinations for a reason. And we suppose he would know.

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"Chain restaurants are larger and less conspicuous,” he said in a press release. “Steak houses are always a popular affair destination, since they’re not only dimly lit but also commonly found in business districts, close to hotels where these type of dates typically end.”

Ah, hotel adjacency. Now it all makes sense.

Morton's Steakhouse has the uh, honor, of topping the list of preferred restaurants of cheaters. Ruth's Chris was second and Houston's came in third. Also on the list were P.F. Chang's, Cheesecake Factory and the chainiest of all chain restaurants: Chili's.

The study also found that cheaters usually do their business at least 20 miles away from home. Check out the full list of cheating eateries, below.

America's top restaurants for cheaters
1. Morton's: The Steakhouse
2. Ruth's Chris Steak House
3. Houston's
4. P.F. Chang's
5. The Cheesecake Factory
6. Del Frisco's
7. Chili's
8. Outback Steakhouse
9. Red Lobster
10. Fleming's

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Photo: Bloomberg/Getty Images