The ultimate wedding etiquette guide

Timing isn't usually the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks about the traditional cutting of the cake at a reception. For most of us it conjures up an image of a couple feeding cake to each other with their hands. Cutting the cake does provide an unspoken signal to guests: namely, that it's okay to leave without being thought of as rude. In days past, the cake was cut at the very end of the reception, and for some guests it was the magic moment that meant they could leave what was usually a long evening. Today, as a courtesy (especially to elderly guests), the cake is cut early on during the reception so that guests are free to leave when they are ready. The cake is typically cut after dinner is over and before the dancing gets in full swing.

-- By Anna Post

I want my wedding dress to be a color other than white. My mother, a traditionalist, is having a fit about this. She's footing the bill, so how can I make her understand that times have changed?

Start by arming yourself with the facts. Tell your mom that colorful dresses are a sizzling hot trend in bridal wear. In addition to being quite fashionable, colorful dresses can also be very meaningful. Yes, white represents purity, but so does blue. All the other colors of the rainbow have their own significance, too. For example, purple symbolizes spirituality and yellow represents joy and happiness.

You may even be drawn to a color because it makes you feel great, or it has something special to do with your relationship with your fiancé (it's the color of the shirt you wore when you first met, or the precise shade of pink of the first roses he sent you). After you explain your desire for color, offer to take your mom out dress shopping with you. She may need to see for herself just how beautiful colorful wedding dresses are. When you find the right one for you, she's sure to be wowed by how radiant you look in it.

The honor attendant is usually a close friend or family member who not only organizes and hosts a shower for the bride, but also helps her get ready on the wedding day. She wears a dress that she usually pays for, which matches or coordinates with the other bridesmaids, and she sometimes carries a slightly more elaborate bouquet than the other attendants.

The bridesmaids are select friends and family, who are usually about the same age of the bride. They attend pre-wedding parties and also help out with some wedding preparations. They wear matching or coordinating dresses (usually paid for themselves) to the ceremony and are customarily given a gift by the bride as a token of appreciation.

The best man is often the groom's best friend or a close family member. His formalwear matches the ushers' and he pays the rental fees himself. He hosts the bachelor party, holds the ring during the ceremony and leads the other men in the well-wishing.

Ushers are also close in age to the groom. They are usually chosen by the groom, and their primary function is seating guests at the wedding. They each wear and pay for matching formalwear, and the groom usually gives each man a present as a thank-you for participating in the wedding.

Children between the ages of 9 and 14 are best suited for the duties of candlelighters, junior bridesmaids or junior ushers. These attendants wear coordinating dresses or formalwear. Parents pay for their children's attire when asked to be in a wedding, unless otherwise notified by the bride or groom.

Place cards, which are found at each place setting, are not required, and eliminating them is an easy way to save time and money. Seating cards, however, are another matter. They assign guests to a particular table, and I highly recommend them if you want to prevent a free-for-all (12 guests fighting it out at one table; two lonely souls at another). Creating a seating chart is never fun or easy, but it is preferable to listening to your mother-in-law complain about her table by the buffet line for the next 30 years.

-- By Lisa Birnbach

You must absolutely tell him how you feel! And together you can pick out an engagement ring of equal or lesser value. Most guys will understand that your opinion counts for a lot, since YOU are the one who will be wearing the ring—and literally wearing it every day! And guys are cautioned all the time to discuss ring styles with their partner before making a purchase, so you have good reason to speak up.

However, it is NOT okay to say you want a different ring because you think the stone is too small or of poor quality. Because that's like saying, "You didn't spend enough money." You would never want him to feel that his choice was inadequate in that regard—surely he bought you the most beautiful ring he could afford, so if everything else about the ring works for (metal, stone shape, style) then hold your tongue. Five years from now you can discuss upgrading to a diamond of better quality.

Our ceremony starts at 7:30 p.m., and the reception will follow directly at 8:00. Do we have to serve dinner?

In most parts of the country, eight o'clock is a reasonable dinner hour; realize that guests will have spent their normal dining period getting ready for and driving to the wedding. If cost-cutting is your motivation for skipping the meal, remember that the food doesn't have to be elaborate. Instead of pricey filet mignon or lobster, go with a less expensive chicken or pasta dish. Talk to caterers about your budget and your options. You might be pleasantly surprised.

A lot of our guests have kids, but we don't want our wedding to feel like a circus. We plan to write "Adult Reception" on the invitations, making exceptions for the flower girls and their brothers, and for children of people who are flying in. Will other guests be insulted?

Once you open up the guest list to kids outside of the wedding party, you've got to invite all guests to bring their offspring (though not everyone will want to) or make a strict age-related cut-off (no children under five, for instance). Set up an on-premises nursery overseen by a baby-sitter recommended by a friend or by your officiant. You won't save any money (you'll have to pay the sitter and feed the tots), but you will take a load off guests' minds and preserve the atmosphere you're after. When you write out the invitations' inner envelopes, list the names of every person who is invited, including the children. Include a printed card that says there will be a supervised children's room.

It's perfectly fine for your fiance to have two people stand up for him. His friends can split the best man duties and even do a tag-team toast.

A slice of cake is the perfect way to end the meal, and you're not obligated to provide your guests with other selections to choose from. Sure, some couples opt for a dessert table to accompany cake service, but rest assured your guests aren't counting on it.

However, if you're looking to add a little variety to dessert, here are a few options that won't break your wedding-planning bank: You could arrange for plated truffles or chocolate-covered strawberries to be placed on each reception table. Folks who don't have room for a big slice of cake (go figure!) at the end of a filling meal might still want a little something to satisfy their sweet tooth. Another idea is to set up a fruit station after dinner. It's a refreshing addition to dessert—especially on a hot summer's night. Whether you decide to add extra sweets for dessert or not, just remember that as long as guests get their coffee and cake, they're good to go.

Unfortunately, too many people fall prey to the idea that there's only one "proper" way to do a wedding and you'll be laughed at if you don't serve the right meal and wear the right color. But that's just not the case. Your bridesmaids can wear any color you love, no matter what the season. They should, however, stick to materials that are appropriate for the weather. While some fabrics transcend season or climate, others might look wrong next to the clothes the guests wear. Flimsy chiffon in December would seem odd among the wool coats of Minnesota but would be perfect in balmy southern Florida. And heavy velvet in July is downright mean pretty much everywhere. So go on and pick your favorite shade, whether it's ice blue or hot pink, and find a great dress in that hue. Trust us—it'll look just as great in summer as it does in the dead of winter.