Many couples rarely address each other by their actual first names

Does it feel weird to address your partner by name?

By Kristin Wong Mar 13, 2013 3:14PM

Honey, baby, sweetie—there are plenty of names we bestow upon our significant others. But oddly enough, many couples rarely address each other by their actual first names.

The Heart Beat asked 10 random people about their relationship behavior. Nine out of ten revealed that they use a nickname rather than a first name when referring to each other. And in fact, the "one in 10" guy who said his partner calls him by his first name later bashfully admitted:

"Okay. Sometimes I'm known as Bubba."

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Experts say we give our partners pet names because, as children, we used monikers to identify the people with whom we felt most secure—Ma, Dad, Nana, Paw-paw etc.

"So we find our own term of endearment for the person we love the most," Colleen Morris, a family therapist & counselor told The Heart Beat.

But a few experts have argued that using pet names can be harmful to a relationship. In fact, Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis wrote a book about it: "Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex: How Changing Your Everyday Habits Will Make You Hot for Each Other All Over Again."

Arana and Davis argue that using pet names dehumanizes and desexualizes a relationship.

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But it does feel a bit awkward to address a partner by a first name once you've gotten used to their pet name. "Thanks, Brian," doesn't come attached with the same natural affection as "Thanks, Babe."

One Los Angeleno we interviewed, Angelica Navarro, went so far as to say "it seems disrespectful" to address a significant other by their first name, as it "makes it seem like you're mad at them."

"It doesn't seem like it should be weird, but it can be," agreed Cory Vore. He's been married for four years and jokes, "My wife was born with a pet name. Her name is Daisy."

"Words like 'honey' and 'babe' say to our partner, 'you are special and important to me,'" Morris told us, explaining why it can feel weird to use a partner's real name. "Our first name, on the other hand, is known and used by everyone."

In short, pet names are symbolic of intimacy shared between you and your partner.

But Morris warns that, yes, there are some instances in which using a pet name can harm a relationship.

"If a pet name has the effect of belittling the partner or robbing them of equal power in the relationship, or [if it's] used to manipulate your partner, it becomes very unhealthy."

Morris adds that people can also feel "vulnerable, embarrassed, disrespected or even violated" when their pet names are exposed in public.

Overall, however, she disagrees with Arana and Davis' contention.

"It is my belief that pet names do not desexualize or depersonalize a relationship. Research tells us that having a shared language as a couple strengthens a relationship."

But of course, every couple is different. Pet names might be your preferred language; first names might make you feel intimate, too. If it works for you, we say keep it up, babycakes.

Bing: Funny pet names

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2Comments

Best

Mar 13, 2013 3:29PM

Those two women who wrote the book on "hotness"...one's an LA realtor, the other is an "international model and actress". Judge for yourself what their motives are.

Previous replies

NameGirl

Mar 13, 2013 6:36PM

Growing up, my first name was only used in anger so it's been a mental shift for me to use my spouse's unless I'm making a point. We're both actually really good about using our first names with each other but I still get that "uh oh" feeling when I say his or he says mine. This should also have been explored in the article.