What his Valentine’s Day gift says about your relationship

What it means: I’d like you to be my girlfriend.

There are tons of gift-y cosmetics to buy as a nod to the womanly arts (see: bath/lotion) and they’re all nice. But perfume is more intimate. It means I’m going to be smelling you for a while. It means you probably have a date for all those summer weddings you’re getting invited to.

Send an Ecard to someone special.

What it means: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Men typically get lingerie for women if they want them to feel sexy. And men often want women to feel sexy if the bedroom is lacking some spark. Just like when you buy someone super-awesome chef’s knives as a gift, it’s a way of getting him to think of himself as a chef and then, you know, start cooking.

What it means: I’m in sixth grade.

You can get a heart-shaped box of chocolates for your grandmother or your sixth-grade teacher. If you get it for a woman, it usually means let’s be friends.

What it means: We’re engaged to be engaged.

You don’t flash the stones around without realizing the metaphor. Put those babies on a different mounting and you’ve got yourself a registry at Bed Bath & Beyond.

What it means: I’m trying to look good.

It might be that he’s trying to look good because he’s completely infatuated. Or it might mean that he’s trying to look good because he had sex with you last night and doesn’t want you to think he’s a jerk even though he is. Or he may be one of those show-offy gentleman types who can’t resist displays of politesse. But unless he’s 18 years old, a man knows flowers are about a woman being able to put them out on her desk at work so everyone asks her where she got them. (Not that that’s a bad thing.)

What it means: Break up with me—I’m an idiot.

No explanation needed.

What it means: I’m intimidated by gift-buying!

This is a gift leftover he meant to give his mom. Which is creepy to think about. It means that he thinks girls are soft and pretty and smell good but are also mysterious and need special potions to get that way. He’s revering your womanliness, so cut him some slack for his lack of creativity.

What it means: I’m a thoughtful guy.

Unless you don’t need a computer, or the computer he’s giving you is a 1987 IBM the size of a Honda, he’s trying to tell you that he’s thinking about your needs and considering the practicalities so you don’t have to and you can instead spend your money on the frilly things that he is kind of intimidated to buy. In a way, it’s a romantic gift. That and he’s telling you he’s a little tone-deaf when it comes to romance.

What it means: I feel like I’m stressing you out.

You get your girlfriend a massage because you want her to slow down, stop worrying and take a minute for herself. Sometimes a guy will give this gift if he feels kind of guilty for being the cause of that worry.

What it means: I’m feeling mega romantic.

Nothing fosters romance more than a weekend away. Men will typically give plane tickets or even a night at a hotel somewhere nearby when you’re in the first phases of a somewhat serious relationship. They love being in that new-romance bubble with you, and they want to heighten that feeling.