Valentine’s Day Gifts: Get Him This, Not That

By Jeff Wilser

Flowers? Skip 'em. Here's a look at what your guy secretly thinks of your typical V-Day fare -- and what he really wants instead.

What he thinks: Ooh, goodie! I've always wanted to cover my eyes with cucumbers, spread mud on my face and be ridiculed by my friends until I die.

What he really wants: A professional shave. Straight-edge blade, barber: the only acceptable (and masculine) mode of high-end pampering.

What he thinks: How many seconds do I have to fake this smile?

What he really wants: A photo of you...wearing very little. Wait! It's less crazy than it sounds. If you're in a trusting, committed relationship (a must), then tasteful, professional boudoir shots will be a very appealing surprise.

What he thinks: Did someone just die? Who died?

What he really wants: Anything else in the world -- except for maybe a Justin Bieber CD or Ugg boots. If you're dead set on flowers, take him to see the botanic garden...at the Bellagio in Vegas.

What he thinks: My favorite gift. Underwear. Did you also get me socks?Do I have to dry-clean these?

What he really wants: To see actual boxers. Specifically, tickets to a boxing match. Or a football game, tennis match or whatever his favorite sport happens to be.

What he thinks: This gift is so awful, it has made me reevaluate your personality, my choices and our future together. (Okay, it's not that bad -- but close.)

What he really wants: You in a teddy. Your gift can be the whole sexy-night experience, complete with candles and massage oil. Cliche? Maybe. But some cliches happen to be awesome.

What he thinks: How many times do I have to wear this before I bury it in my closet?

What he really wants: Clothes (that he likes). Like all gifts, it should be about what the recipient wants, not an episode of ExtremeWardrobe Makeover: Valentine's Day Edition.

What he thinks: I loved this gift! When I was nine.

What he really wants: Liquor. What’s his drink of choice? Find a classy, upscale brand (hint: the bottle shouldn't be plastic), and if you feel that you need to Cupid it up, just tie a pink or red bow around it. Done and done.

What he thinks: Aw, you shouldn't have. And by that I mean you shouldn't have. Why not just save money and get me a card addressed to "Fat Bastard"?

What he really wants: Something outdoorsy and fun that fits his interests, as opposed to a self-improvement regimen. Depending on his thing, it could be anything from bike gear to camping supplies.

What he thinks: Huh...this is awkward. I know I snickered and eye-rolled about Valentine's Day, but still...nothing? Ouch.

What he really wants: Something non-Valentine's Day-ish. Just pretend it's his birthday instead.