Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusivelyfrom the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas.(Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
We recently celebrated a milestone anniversary and, having failed to consult Miss Manners first, I included the request for "no gifts" on the invitation. By this request, I meant, absolutely no gifts.
The guest list was limited to a few carefully chosen long-time friends, and the event included a church service and a reception at our home. Truly, the presence of those people was what we appreciated. Thankfully, aside from a bottle of bubbly, no gifts appeared, though many of our guests brought lovely cards or notes, which I do treasure.
Why is it inappropriate to specify no gifts? I would not have wanted any of our friends to feel the slightest obligation to shop for something for us. I have a full life and a house full of every kind of hostess item a person could ever need. We just wanted to share that, not ask for more!
GENTLE READER,
"In a world of gift registries and other Gimme ploys, Miss Manners treasures those who want to inform their guests not to bring presents. But sadly, she has to discourage them.
The original reason is that one should not appear to be thinking in terms of receiving presents-- inconceivable as that may seem nowadays. But there is a more horrifying reason now. Miss Manners often receives letters from the recipients of "no gifts" invitations, asking whether that means that the hosts only want them to give cash."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
Neighbors with whom we are barely acquainted invited my husband and me to a birthday party for their grown daughter, whom we have never met. Although we felt shy about attending a party at which we would most likely not know any of the other guests, we at first accepted the invitation in the interest of neighborliness.
However, when we turned up for the party a day early, we used this miscommunication as a pretext to decline the invitation, explaining that we are expecting an out-of-state guest of our own at around the date of the birthday party (although in fact he will most likely arrive a day or two later).
If we had attended the party, should we have taken a present for the guest of honor? If so, what would be an appropriate birthday present for a woman who is a complete stranger?
GENTLE READER,
"It seems to Miss Manners that you had a lucky escape. You really should not be at a birthday party for someone you never met. The neighbors were either casting too wide a net, or planning to have a noisy party they didn't want you to complain about.
Had you been stuck with your acceptance, Miss Manners would suggest a relatively safe present, such as a box of candy. But nothing is truly safe when you don't know the person, who might hate sweets or be on a diet."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. Theyhave two perfect children, of course.
