Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
I was married for 7 years, my husband died 4 years ago. My problem is my in-laws send checks for Christmas and my birthday. How can I politely ask them to stop. I do not need the money and other than these 2 occasions, we don't really communicate. Any thoughts? Would it be offensive to send the checks back?
GENTLE READER,
Yes, particularly as that would end the one communication that you do have with your late husband's parents. Miss Manners' guess is that aside from whatever affection they may have developed for you as their daughter-in-law, this is their way of keeping a link to their late son.
It would therefore be kind of you to check in with them occasionally. You could even use that money to send them flowers on their son's birthday or the anniversary of his death.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
Should guests write thank you notes to the hosts of a wedding? Apparently, some people, who usually know better, do not think this is necessary.
GENTLE READER,
Oddly enough, it is not. While it is true that wedding guests have probably been treated more lavishly than ordinary dinner party guests, who should write their thanks, there is a key difference. The wedding is not put on for their entertainment. They are there to witness and celebrate an occasion that takes place for its own sake.
That said, Miss Manners hopes that people do not perform courtesies only when they are strictly required. A letter saying what a charming wedding it was is always welcome.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
I have a co-worker who is otherwise charming but every conversation inevitably reverts to some a long story (5 minutes minimum) about someone in her family, how they badly reacted something or how her superb parenting avoided the mistakes others have made.
These long stories sometimes extend into time I needed to confer with her about a work-related issue (I usually take 2 or 3 items with me to her office) and we get interrupted by others who stop by her office for a chat, and I end up going back to my office still needing to resolve something. I would like to have an ingenuous "catch-phrase" reply to head off some of these stories, ala Miss Manners Style.
GENTLE READER,
How about "You'll have to tell me this some other time; we have work to do." Miss Manners is not pretending this is clever, but it should do the job.
And it is so obvious that she wonders why no one seems to think of saying it. Has the workplace become so devoted to pseudo-socializing that it seems rude to get to work?
Send Miss Manners a question
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
