Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today or talk about your own problems on our MissMannersmessage board.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
Dear Miss Manners,
I was raised by a wonderful pair of parents. They are from the south and manners were so important. I am in my 50's now and still entertain frequently. My biggest party is at Christmas, I invite many friends and everyone from my office.
For many years I have always requested that in lieu of gifts they make a contribution to my favorite charity or a charity of their choice. Some guests still bring gifts, which are fine, but someone recently stated that it is not good manners to request "no gifts".
I really don't need anything and want my guests to save or spend their money on themselves or their family. Should I not request, "no gifts"?
Gentle Reader,
The ban on "no gifts" is one that Miss Manners hates to have to enforce. The idea behind it is so much nicer than the "Here's what you have to buy me" idea behind proliferating gift registries.
But it is impolite because it shows you have been thinking about getting presents, even if you are willing to forgo them. And oddly, lots of people believe that it should be ignored, or that it means that you want cash donations instead.
In effect, you do that when you instruct people to donate to charity. It's their money, and being a hostess does not entitle you to tell them how to spend it, even for a good cause.
However, you can sneak in that ban if you do it casually. When talking about the party, say, "This is just for fun -- there will be no exchange of presents." And when some guests bring you presents anyway, of course you accept them graciously and put them aside to open (and thank by mail) after the party, so those who did not will not be embarrassed.
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Dear Miss Manners,
These days it seems many people feel compelled to bring gifts to you when you invite them for dinner. Is it necessary to bring one when you go to someone else's home, or is it sufficient to enjoy yourself and send a thank you note? I would like for people to stop bringing things.
Gentle Reader,
As ungrateful as this sounds, Miss Manners shares your distaste for what has become an increasingly common and inflated custom.
Admittedly it was -- and is -- charming when a guest occasionally decides to bring flowers or chocolates, although it would be a bit overwhelming if, say, ten dinner guests each handed over a bouquet or a box.
But that is not Miss Manners' objection. She is suspicious of the inevitable present because the habit of making this seem compulsory developed at the same time that guests no longer seem to think it necessary to reciprocate hospitality, and perhaps not even to write letters of thanks. As long as you fulfill those duties, you are not required to bring presents.
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
