Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
Dear Miss Manners,
We received an invitation to a wedding and reception that had a note on it stating that since they have been living in comfort for a while they didn't need the normal gifts and came right out and asked for money to foot the bill for their honeymoon plans.
We were shocked, having never before received such a thing. Are we in the dark or is this very, very tacky indeed? I might add that one of the couple is from another country and could this have been the way it is done in that country? Even then it seems so improper.
Gentle Reader,
It is supremely tacky for people living in comfort to go begging from their friends. But Miss Manners regrets to say that you do not have to look abroad to see where this now-common practice is coming from. It is rampant among Americans who allow their greed to destroy any dignity they may have had.
*******
Dear Miss Manners,
I am a professional ornithologist (bird expert) with a substantial record of accomplishments (books, scientific papers, bird blog, website, consultant, etc). My hometown has had a bird festival for the past 12 years and each year they have a main speaker at the festival dinner.
My expertise and experience far outshines any of the speakers by a considerable margin, and I am well known in town, yet I have not been asked to speak. I talked to the festival board members and they say I have not been deliberately excluded, but I have not been given any reason for being ignored. There is no history of bad feelings, but I'm starting to develop some now. This is a personal and professional snub. How do I respond?
Gentle Reader,
You have responded, and it hasn't worked. Miss Manners can suggest a different approach, but it will require a huge amount of restraint.
That is to befriend each year's speaker. If that person is from out of town, give a dinner in his or her honor. If it is someone who is local and therefore knows the situation, say how much you are looking forward to hearing the talk, and that you and your library are available as a resource.
But here is the catch: You must do all this with a straight face, as if these people were professional colleagues. No showing them up. No mentioning your credentials. No questioning theirs. No sarcasm at mistakes -- just the gentle introduction of information that might be helpful.
If you can manage all this without once rolling your eyes, the speakers will feel flattered and grateful, and it is they who will question why you are not asked to speak.
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
