Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a questiontoday.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
Over the last couple of years, my husband and I have been invited to some retirement and birthday parties where the invitations stated the cost and that we, as guests, were expected to pay if we wished to attend. One invitation even stated that the amount was for dinner and a gift.
My feeling is that when you give someone a birthday or retirement party, the person throwing the extravaganza should be paying for the cost and not the invited guest.
Is this the new way of giving someone a party, or is this just a way for someone to throw a party that they can't afford and get the guests to pay for the party and in most cases bring a gift also?
GENTLE READER,
"Crass, isn't it? But very common, Miss Manners is sorry to report."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
A good friend of mine is expecting her first child with her new husband, and this will be the fifth child between the two of them. Although this baby was a surprise to them, they are so excited to have this addition to their family, and I would like to give my friend a small baby shower to show her the excitement and joy that we all have for this pending blessing.
A co-worker of ours expressed strong disdain at the thought of us giving a shower to someone having their fifth child. Further, she said that asking people to come to the shower is only making an obvious ploy to get needed items for the baby, which we know isn't true since the nursery is already complete, and my friend is perfectly capable of providing for anything this baby needs or wants.
This shower was meant to be a fun occasion to celebrate this child, and while gifts would always be welcome, my friend isn't expecting anything other than the guests being comfortable and enjoying the time to celebrate this baby; therefore she didn't "register" as she feels that is rather rude.
Am I wrong in giving her a shower? Should I call it something different? Should I care what this one person thinks?
GENTLE READER,
"Why does it have to be a shower? Miss Manners notes with some distaste that the chief way most people entertain nowadays is at events connected with the giving of presents.
You are innocent of the usual motive. and free to choose another social form, such as a luncheon or afternoon tea. It is true that guests will still ask if presents are expected, but you can say no. For a shower, they wouldn't even ask."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
