Is making an announcement about using the bathroom TMI?

Plus, what to do about a hostess who confiscates my food.

$Image of a toilet in a bathroom(Perry Mastrovito\Getty Images)$

Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusivelyfrom the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas.(Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:

DEAR MISS MANNERS,

When I am visiting someone's home, even some of my family members' homes, I ask or announce that I need to use their bathroom. I have practiced this habit most of my life.

I was annoyed when an acquaintance on the very first visit to my home, just got up and went to use my bathroom. She didn't even know where the bathroom was located.

After about her third or fourth visit I finally told her that when I visit someone's home, I say that I'm going to use the bathroom. She gave me a strange look when I told her. Am I sweating the small stuff or making a big deal out of nothing?

GENTLE READER,

"You may be surprised to hear that not everyone is as charmed by bathroom announcements as you seem to be. It is true that asking its location is preferable to running around opening doors, but after that, one need only say, "Excuse me." Miss Manners assures you that everyone knows why you need to be excused."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS,

I was invited to an informal get-together at a co-worker's house. I brought along a plate of cookies to share with the other guests. When my hostess saw them, she grabbed them out of my hand, saying, "These are too good to share, I'm keeping them!" And she proceeded to put them in a kitchen cupboard and shut the door.

I gently reminded her that they were meant for the group, but she just laughed. My first inclination was to walk over there and remove them from the cupboard myself, but decided it was best not to make a fuss.

I also didn't want to "tattle" on her by having the other guests ask about the missing cookies. Maybe I should have. How would you have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER,

"It would not arise, because Miss Manners does not pre-empt the duty of hosts by deciding to feed their guests. Bringing a present for the hostess, for her to use at her discretion, is not obligatory, and you are obliged to consider your contribution to be that."

Send Miss Manners a question

^{Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of}^{Miss Manners' Guide to}^{Excruciatingly Correct Behavior}^{(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. Theyhave two perfect children, of course.}

20Comments

Best

Jan 14, 2013 7:07PM

The host/hostess ALWAYS gets to decide, regardless of the intention of the "giver" - who does NOT get to both decide to bring something AND when/how it should be served. And I don't see anything in the writer's letter that says there was an expectation that anyone bring anything. If you want to decide who should eat the damn cookies, serve them at your house.

Previous replies

wobster109

Jan 8, 2013 11:57PM

Dear Miss Manners, I respect you greatly and think your work is wonderful. Sometimes, I feel that you are answering a different question than the one that was asked.

Certainly at a formal, planned, dinner, one does not step on the host/hostess's planned menu. But I understood LW2's situation as a joint party. I know that an "informal get-together" is something very different, with a single host/hostess. But I suspect that LW2 used the wrong name for a very different thing.

As LW2 referred to the cookies as "missing", with the implication that the other guests were expecting them, it really sounds to me like everyone brought along a tray of something for everyone else. In that case, the cookies belonged to LW2 (I don't think "grabbed out of their hands" counts as willingly giving a gift). LW2 would have been correct in my eyes to take them back to give to everyone.

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Raised in the South

Feb 8, 2013 6:08PM

Nobody gets to decide what a hostess serves except the hostess. To demand that your cookies be served is either suggesting that what the hostess was serving was inadequate or it is just showing off your cooking at her home. She was gracious to say that they were "too good to share" (before she tasted them) rather than to say "Thank you, but I have prepared enough food."

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Raised in the South

Feb 8, 2013 6:09PM

If you want to make cookies for your co-workers, take them to work.

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Something clever

Apr 10, 2013 6:17PM

The idea of a grown adult "announcing" that they need to use the bathroom is really funny. "Can I have everyone's attention please? I have something I need to announce!"

As a man, if I ever need to use the bathroom in a new place, I have taken a spin on the old "powder my nose" phrase by stating that I need to wash my hands. It's true even though I leave out the part about what I'll be doing that necessitates a hand-washing.

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The Silver Fox-Rox

Mar 21, 2013 6:16PM

It seems selfish of the hostess to 'commandeer' the group gift as a gift for her alone. I was raised that when you bring something to someone's home during a meal-type situation, the item is placed with other items of its kind (a pie would go on the dessert table; a tray of cheeses with the appetizers. Someone said "take cookies to work if you want to give to co-workers", but the venue was for co-workers. The hostess could have taken a few from the tray and put them away for herself, but not to share any of them? Wow- selfishness is alive and well in her house!

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Elvis30

Apr 15, 2013 5:15PM

the bathroom one is hilarious! Who does that? Most places its not too hard to find the bathroom. If I think I might be missed I might mention the person next to me that I'll be right back or if its all my friends I might be a bit more vulger in my "announcement", but seriously? You need to announce that you've gotta pee to the whole room and you were actually annoyed that someone else just choose to get up and go? do you feel the need to know the whereabouts of everyone you know at all times?

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Hiai

Apr 15, 2013 10:48PM

I'd feel complimented that the hostess was so confident in my abilities that she wished to keep all the cookies for herself, and remember to make another plate of cookies to bring to the office at a later time. A gift is just that...once it leaves my hands I have no say what is done with it. If the LW thought it was a potluck gathering, then the hostess disabused her of that notion quickly. As far as the "rudeness" of the hostess goes, I'd say there's a very good chance that the hostess took one look at the cookies, realized there were not enough for everyone to have one if they wished, and decided to avoid the awkward situation of people being left out by professing to want them just for herself. The LW is being far more sensitive than a "casual" situation deserves. Have we forgotten what the word casual means?

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Michael Allen

Apr 23, 2013 5:52AM

IMHO:

LW1: I don't see any reason to ask about powdering your nose or washing your hands. Everyone knows what you want the bathroom for. Euphemisms seem like an outdated affectation. Like the kiddie book says, Everyone Poops. But there is no need on the other hand to announce exactly why you want to use the bathroom. Just ask where it is.

LW2: The cookie thing really depends on the situation, and the history of the group. Have there been previous informal get-togethers at a co-worker's houses? How did things go? If this is a more unique event, with an invitation from the host, you should maybe say "Great. Maybe I'll make some cookies," giving the host the chance to say either "No, thanks but I've got that all covered" or "Really, you don't have to, but great."

If there is going to be drinking, you could always bring a 6-pack of quality beer or a bottle of wine without prior discussion. They could be easily set aside by the host for future personal use or back-up refreshments if they want. With the cookies there is a sort of implied pressure to put them out. It's not like you can put them in the cookie rack for future use.

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snowyafternoon

Mar 27, 2013 7:17PM

An "informal get-together of co-workers" has often been potluck and everyone brings a something share. Charades and snarky gossip ensues. On the other hand, I've spent HOURS shopping for an appropriate hostess gift for a boss hosting his/her "informal get-together of co-workers." The two occasions are as different as night and day - which young people need to learn how to navigate to be taken seriously. Miss Manners is a good resource!

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d4489

Jan 15, 2013 11:42PM

Someone bring a plate of cookies to *my* place, dammit, Ima eat them myself. Screw company. And If I have to go to the can, I just ask, "Might'n I use your facilities, por favor?" It ain't that bleedin' difficult.