Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusivelyfrom the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas.(Have an issue you want help with? Send in a questiontoday.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
We are invited to a retirement party/picnic at the retiree's home. We are bringing a card and a gift for the retiree.
I always bring a food item or bottle of wine to gatherings, but my husband thinks that since we're bringing a card and a gift, we don't need to also bring a food item, since they are hosting the party. What is appropriate?
GENTLE READER,
"Not every gathering needs to be catered by the guests, you know. Only when attending a clearly cooperative party should you bring anything you expect to be served. Miss Manners often hears complaints from hosts whose plans were disrupted by guests who assume unauthorized hostly duties. She also agrees with your husband-- arriving over-laden could inspire someone to ask whether you brought the tent and the chairs."
**************************
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
For the past few years, I have been attending the same church weekly and working as a Sunday School teacher. This last year, a new volunteer came to help with Sunday School. She is getting married in a few months to another individual from the church.
While I think that she is a very nice person, I only consider her to be an acquaintance since we do not socialize outside of church activities. I also consider her future husband to be an acquaintance because we don't socialize. This is her second marriage and his first marriage. She has a three year old daughter from her previous marriage. I am not a member of the wedding party, but have been invited as a guest.
Am I expected to purchase a wedding gift? Should a gift be purchased for her daughter?
My mother used to bring inexpensive gifts for "special occasions" such as birthdays, holidays, and weddings, so that younger children are not jealous that a sibling or family member is receiving a gift. They were never very expensive (Less than $5) and the tradition ended once the child was older (normally somewhere between eight or nine years of age).
GENTLE READER,
"If you care enough about these people to attend their wedding, you should send them a present. But it sounds as if you don't, in which case, you can merely decline the invitation and send your best wishes.
Miss Manners likes your mother's gesture of adding a present for a small child more than she cares for the rationale behind it. Jealousy of others' receiving attention and presents is best dealt with as learning to take turns, rather than being bought off."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. Theyhave two perfect children, of course.
