Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusivelyfrom the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas.(Have an issue you want help with? Send in aquestiontoday.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
I am married to a wonderful man who is in excellent physical shape. He works out regularly, and has the stature to show for it.
It happens quite often that we will be at a social gathering and someone will inevitably ask him "what he does" to maintain his physique. He is always happy to briefly explain that he lifts weights consistently, takes nutritional supplements in addition to a healthy diet, etc.
However, I am dismayed at how often this will be followed by some implication that he uses illegal steroids. Joking or not, this strikes me as incredibly rude and inappropriate.
Heaven forbid a man got his biceps the old fashioned way! A "that's none of your business" type response seems to us to imply that he does use steroids, so how can we counter this question without being hostile?
GENTLE READER,
"By being shocked. This is such an effective way of stopping people dead that Miss Manners wonders why it is not used more often.
At the mention of steroids, jokingly or not, he or you --or both, if you are both present-- should shoot your eyebrows up to your hairline and say, "Don't you know that's bad for you? You should never, never consider doing that!" and so on and on."
**************************
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
My husband and I recently got married, and I am currently in the process of writing thank you notes. As I write them, a question has occurred to me. Should I write thank you notes to those who attended our wedding, but did not give a gift?
I have asked my closest relatives, and received two very different answers. One school of thought is that a thank you note should be written to every person who attends the wedding or gives a gift, or both. The second school of thought is that thank you notes should only be sent to those who gave us a gift, and that sending a note thanking the remaining guests for celebrating with us might actually be perceived as a request for a gift.
I certainly do not want anyone to think we are being insincere for thanking them for attending, much less to think we are trying to "remind" them to give a gift. I was truly touched and thrilled that so many of our friends and family were able to celebrate our union with us.
GENTLE READER,
"Fine, but the natural order is for guests to thank hosts, not hosts to thank guests. So your second school of thought is correct, and probably also right in speculating that doing so would look like fishing.
If you got a letter from someone who gave you a present, thanking you for the privilege of doing so, Miss Manners imagines you would be equally suspicious."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. Theyhave two perfect children, of course.
