Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
Could you please tell me how you define "gossip"?
GENTLE READER,
"As the passing of information about yourself or others that you don't want everyone to know. Similar information about people whose reputations you don't care about is called news."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
When my cousin and I were 16, her parents went through a messy divorce. Her father, my uncle, stopped being a father to her at all. Her mother subsequently surprised her with the fact that my uncle is not her biological father, although he did know this from the beginning.
My cousin was married this past weekend at age 27, her biological father being the only father figure in her life since that time. She extended an invitation to my grandfather, who was affronted that she should not pursue a relationship with my uncle (although it was in fact the uncle who severed it) and did not attend. My grandfather is also affronted that my fiance is black, not white like us, and has declared that he will not attend my wedding as well, although citing travel concerns.
I would very much like my cousin to attend my upcoming wedding, but I'm afraid that my grandfather would berate her again as he did recently, if he does decide to attend.
What is a proper way to not extend an invitation to the family patriarch? My grandfather and I were close before I began dating my fiance; however, I have lost hope that he will change his worsening attitude. My mother has also been close with him. Should I break the news to her first?
GENTLE READER,
"Your cousin's situation strikes Miss Manners as a lot more complicated than the conclusions you present. She is not privy to the information leading to that messy divorce, but the mother does not sound exactly blameless.
Be that as it may, you have recent evidence showing that your grandfather means it when he says he will boycott a wedding. Still, it might be helpful to let him know that you take him at his word.
This would consist of writing a respectful letter, saying that you understand his reasons for not attending, but hope that sometime in the future he will consent to get to know your husband and to appreciate his wonderful qualities. By all means, tell your mother what you have done-- but don't ask her beforehand, unless you are open to the possibility of her persuading him to attend the wedding."
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Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of Miss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
