Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
I was married for over 20 years when my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce, and so we are now divorced and remain friends. Our children are on their own. I have since found a wonderful woman and we are now engaged to be married. We are going to wait a year or two to have our wedding. My lawyer has informed me that it would be a good idea to have a pre-nuptial agreement to protect my children and myself in the event that it might not work out in the future. This concept is so foreign to me, but now that it has happened to me once, I can understand that the possibility exists and could be beyond my control.
It is correct for someone to ask for this and if so, how would one go about bringing up this subject and avoid hurt feelings?
GENTLE READER,
"Oh, for the days that the two fathers and their solicitors could insist that the financial terms be spelled out, allowing the couple to lament the vulgarity of materialism intruding into love.
Now you have to do it yourself. Just try to keep yourself out of it --out of the discussion, that is, not of the agreement. It is not reassuring to a bride to hear that you may some day have to protect yourself from her. Nor are comparisons to your former wife flattering, however much of a friend she may now be.
Fortunately, you have the children to cite. 'I don't want our happiness to penalize the children,' is the way Miss Manners suggests putting it."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
The title of my professional field suggests that I work with children a lot. For some reason, when making small talk with people, their next question after learning the title of my field is: "Does that mean you want to have a lot of kids?"
This seems an inappropriate question for small talk with someone a person just met. However, so far I haven't come up with an entirely smooth answer. I usually end up not saying anything on the subject, while trying to think of an appropriate response to a question that I am surprised someone asked, consider rude, and do not feel it would be correct to answer to a stranger.
Adding to the awkwardness, my face most likely reflects the "What? Rude! I do not know you!" that I am thinking. Thus I suppose some people would choose to attempt an interpretation of my silence and facial expressions.
What is a good way to deal with this situation?
GENTLE READER,
"This is a fine addition to Miss Manners' collection of Stupid Conversation Openers, in the division inspired by others' occupations. (There is a huge other division dealing with remarks about physical appearance.)
Still, you don't want to be snarling all the time. Instead of answering the question, just use it to start a different conversation: "Of course I love children, or I wouldn't be doing this..." followed by some statement about the problems in your field-- parents not following pediatric instructions, scarcity of resources in schools, or whatever it happens to be.
As your interrogator's eyes glaze, you can interrupt yourself with, 'But I won't bore you with that. What do you do?' Just promise Miss Manners that you will not then say the first thing that pops into your head about that person's work."
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Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of Miss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
