Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
A dear friend of mine is expecting her first baby in a few months. She is somewhat superstitious (perhaps because she has had several miscarriages) and does not want anything purchased for the baby until it is born. I had planned on hosting a "welcome baby" shower for her after the birth.
The problem is her mother- in-law. She is insisting on holding a traditional pre-delivery baby shower for my friend, and will not listen to either myself or her son when told it will not be welcomed. She believes it is only "new mother jitters" and my friend will enjoy herself.
Nothing can be further from the truth. The shower is to be a surprise, and invitations have already been sent.
Should I tell my friend? This of course, will spoil the surprise, and it will also make her mother-in-law hate me, but I feel my friend is stressed enough without having to deal with this.
Should I attend the shower if her mother-in-law goes through with it? I feel like I should stay home but I want to be there to support my friend if she needs me.
GENTLE READER,
"Your friend's mother-in-law hasn't listened to Miss Manners, either. Miss Manners keeps telling mothers, mothers-in-law, grandmothers and sisters that they are not supposed to give showers for their relatives, and yet they keep right on doing it.
Another decidedly ungracious idea is surprising people when you know that they will object. A warning to your friend does seem to be in order, if only so that she can reconcile herself enough to pretend to be pleased at the event.
But why should you have to issue it? Dear friends as you may be, the lady's husband surely knows both her and his mother better and can therefore better weigh the consequences of warning his wife."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
My mother has been working over the past several years to salvage and refinish hand-carved wooden furniture that has been in our family for several generations. The finished products are beautiful and she would like to use the items in the main living room of her house (a chair and a love-seat, in particular).
The problem we are facing is our extended family. We have several family members that are quite large and we are afraid that the furniture may be damaged if someone very heavy sits on them.
Is there an appropriate way to direct people away from the antiques without offending them or do we have to hide the furniture away when certain family members come to visit? You guidance would be appreciated in this delicate situation.
GENTLE READER,
"Well, you could put golden ropes across the arms of the chairs, as they do on off-limits chairs in museums, but Miss Manners does not claim that this would qualify as delicate. It is true that hostess should see to it that her guests are comfortable, but this would be better accomplished by saying, 'Oh, do take this chair-- that one is a bit rickety.'"
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
