Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusivelyfrom the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas.(Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
I want to teach my children good manners and to be respectful, but when other parents don’t and their children have the effective manners of having been raised in a barn, I feel like I’m in a losing battle. I don’t want my kids to take on unsavory behavioral habits. How can I teach my kids that even though some kids act poorly and get away with it, that it really isn’t okay?
GENTLE READER,
"As a parent, you must already be familiar with Everybody Else’s Mother —that mysterious parent whom your children cite to prove that you are the only one who does not allow her child to stay out half the night, eat whatever he wants, use her credit cards, and so on.
Surely your response to that is, “Sorry, but that is not the way we do things.”
What is needed here is the positive side of that, a prideful declaration that they must behave well because no matter what others do, the family maintains high standards. For both arguments, Miss Manners is fond of adding an expression of sympathy for the children, as having not been born into less fastidious families."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
My husband’s daughter and her husband have four young girls. I have never been particularly close to them – understandably so since I was the reason my husband left his first wife when his daughter was very small.
However, over the years I have made sure to remember every single birthday and, as the girls arrived, make an effort to find out exactly what they need or want for birthdays or Christmas, do the shopping, wrapping and shipping. There is no doubt in my mind that none of this would get done if I didn’t do it – my husband is too busy with his job and also has come to expect this from me.
Over the past couple of years, we have received little if any thanks. Most recently, when thanks are offered, they are directed solely to my husband. This past Christmas, because they are abroad, they requested gift cards and we sent several very generous ones. The son-in-law emailed my husband, thanking only him. I have not even seen the email.
Last night, I told my husband that I am through – if he wants his daughter and family to be remembered on special occasions, then he will have to take the responsibility. Am I being petty and unreasonable?
GENTLE READER,
"You are being unrealistic. Did you really think that being the family shopper would endear you to those with a lifelong grudge against you?
It is kind of you to select thoughtful presents for your husband’s children, but the kindness is really to him, in saving him the trouble and making him look good. Perhaps if the presents fall off in quantity or quality (although, how hard is it to send a gift card?) his children will notice. But Miss Manners would not count on that endearing them to you."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of Miss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
