Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusivelyfrom the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas.(Have an issue you want help with? Send inaquestiontoday.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
DEAR MISS MANNERS,
I am 27 years old and have had the misfortune of having to attend a large number of funerals. Therefore, I am not really sure of how to address the following:
Last year, my coworker's husband passed away and our office closed early so that we were able to attend his funeral. He and his wife had a large family and thus, a long receiving line - about 15 people or so. I went down the line, expressing my condolences - but felt awkward by the time I had spoken to three or four people. I didn't know the deceased, so I had no story or memory to share, only the canned "I am so sorry for your loss".
Believe me, I was very sorry for their loss, and I meant it when I said it, but when you hear someone come down the line say the same thing over and over I'm worried that it sounds disingenuous.
Is there another way I can offer my condolences without sounding like a repetitive robot? I just want to be as kind as possible and express my condolences appropriately.
GENTLE READER,
"Please, Miss Manners begs you, do not try to find an original statement to make to the bereaved. That is what leads well-meaning people to say such callous things as "It's all for the best," and "Time will heal you."
"I'm so sorry" is one of those statements (like, under vastly different circumstances, "I love you") that cannot be improved upon."
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DEAR MISS MANNERS,
We invited my husband's eldest sister over for dinner, and after the meal, I had a chore to do, so left the dishes for my husband. When I returned, my sister-in law was cleaning and re-organizing my fridge. Am I wrong to think that was rude of her? Was I wrong to ask her to stop?
GENTLE READER,
"Stop, as in, "My dear, I'm terribly embarrassed, I thought Ethan would just toss the dishes in the washer; I certainly never meant for you to have to clean up-- but thank you so much"?
Or stop, as in, "Stop messing in my fridge"?
Miss Manners would allow the former, but not the latter. After all, you left her hanging out with your husband while he cleaned up, and she kindly pitched in to help, rather than standing around awkwardly watching."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. Theyhave two perfect children, of course.
