Do I Introduce Her as My Mother or Step-Mother?

Plus, whether or not it is appropriate to petition a host to bring uninvited people.

$A daughter and mother-in-law(Eleonora Ghioldi \ Getty Images)$

Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today.) Read on for this week's hot topics:

DEAR MISS MANNERS,

I moved in with my fiancé, who is very close to his parents. I get along exceptionally well with his parents, and am developing a close relationship with his mother. I have cut off contact with my own biological mother after years of abuse from her. My fiancé would like to invite my father and step-mother to dinner with his own parents in the near future so they can get acquainted, which I think is great.

Do I introduce my step-mother as "This is my mother" or "This is my step-mother"? I feel that if I automatically introduce her as my step-mother, questions about my biological mother will come up right now, and I'm not comfortable talking about it with anyone other than my fiancé currently.

I also realize that at some point in my life, I would like to reconcile with my biological mother, and will have to explain it to my future in-laws one way or another. I don't want to lie to my future in-laws, but I also don't want to involve them in such a personal aspect of my life yet either.

GENTLE READER,

"Don't worry, they already know. The minute their son said he was engaged --no, before that, when they first suspected he was in love-- they inquired about your background.

In a close family, the son would not tell them he doesn't know, or that it is none of their business. Rather, he would say, "Don't let on to Melinda that you know. She'll tell you when she's ready."

But even if that exchange didn't happen, Miss Manners would caution you not to mislead your future in-laws. You needn't spill all your secrets, but it is absurd to say that the composition of your family, which you are about to join to their family, is too personal a matter for them to know."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS,

I am a wife, but separated, and in process of filing divorce papers. An Invitation for a Bar Mitzvah arrives in my name only (no "and guest") and my son's name is also on the invite (the bar mitzvah is for his classmate / friend) Is it appropriate to ask to bring my established boyfriend?

GENTLE READER,

"There are two improprieties in what you suggest. Miss Manners doubts that you will listen when she tells you that a married lady does not have "an established boyfriend" (even though she may have a friendship that suddenly turns into a romance when she receives a divorce). But she does expect you to learn that one does not petition one's hosts to bring uninvited people."

Send Miss Manners a question

^{Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of}^{Miss Manners' Guide to}^{Excruciatingly Correct Behavior}^{(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.}

7Comments

Best

Jul 2, 2012 1:19PM

It seems ridiculous to me that grown women cannot seem to accept and invitation that does not include their "boyfirend" - must they be attached at the hip at all times. It is extremely rude to ask to bring an univited guest.

Previous replies

snowyafternoon

Jul 31, 2012 5:20PM

It's always disingenuous and manipulative to try to finagle an extra invitation. Asking, "Can I bring...." will clearly elicit a reluctant, "Sure." The asker is counting on this and the askee knows that someone so rude to ask will also get angry if the answer's, "Sorry but no." There are some times that it DOES hurt to ask. And for a married woman to bring the guy she's cheating on her husband with to a religious ceremony with her son - I can't even find the words.

Previous replies

Lizzie122

Jul 18, 2012 5:04PM

How about the very non-commital "These are my parents, Bob and Jane." ?

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09Grandma

Aug 17, 2012 9:32PM

And I thought I was unique in my loathing of the "guests-bringing-guests" trend! I planned a dinner party for two other couples, making a comfortable table of six. I issued the invitations, and one couple called to say that they would have to eat and run, as they had concert tickets later that night. I should have said “Oh! I’d hate for you to rush! We’ll get together some other time!” But I didn’t. Next, they called to ask if they could also bring his father, who is in his 80’s and was visiting from another state. I said…”Sure.” I was fixing a prime rib roast, and figured I could stretch it to accommodate one other person. Then I was asked to also feed the two grown daughters/granddaughters, as they would be entertaining the older gentleman that evening, while mom and dad were at a concert. I had to send my husband out for more prime rib to cook, more wine, and set up a second table in the living room. The five of them did indeed eat and run, and have not been invited back. Nor have I accepted an invitation from them. Still, that’s better than guests we’ve had at parties at our vacation home, who invite their extended families and only announce them when they arrive. What’s with people these days, anyway!

Previous replies

Samantha474

Jul 31, 2012 10:00AM

Having been in a similar situation myself. I can understand your predicament. I was estranged from my biological father when I was very young. I am currently not in touch with him. I am blessed to have a step-father whom I consider my own father in all aspects. I have always introduced him as my 'dad' or 'meet my father'. As Miss Manners has said, "they already know". When my fiancé and I were getting serious about each other, I told him details about my family. And asked me if it would be alright to tell his mother what I shared with him. So, my future in-laws are well aware and were tactful enough not to ask any uncomfortable questions directed at me or my parents when I introduced them as my "mom and dad".

Previous replies

09Grandma

Aug 17, 2012 9:34PM

Continued: I had to send my husband out for more prime rib to cook, more wine, and set up a second table in the living room. The five of them did indeed eat and run, and have not been invited back. Nor have I accepted an invitation from them. Still, that’s better than guests we’ve had at parties at our vacation home, who invite their extended families and only announce them when they arrive. What’s with people these days, anyway!

Previous replies

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Do I Introduce Her as My Mother or Step-Mother?

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