Fun Sports We Wish Were in the Olympics
Bicycle Snorkeling: Combines mountain biking with the thrill of almost drowning
Some Olympic sports evolved from activities that test our survival skills. For example, archery competitions test our ability to kill bales of hay. To add to this collection of survival-inspired sports, the Olympics should embrace bicycle snorkeling, a wonderful activity in which a person rides their mountain bike through a muggy bog while remembering not to breathe through their nose for fear of getting a nostril full of tadpoles.
Likely controversial moment: Several Chinese bicycle snorkelers are busted for being too young when video tape is discovered of them tricycle snorkeling.
Chess Boxing: Chosen only because their matches last a bit longer than Debate Stabbing
For those who've always wished boxing were more cerebral, and chess were more violent, your prayers have been answered. Chess boxing alternates rounds of bashing your opponent's brains in, with trying to beat that bashed-in brain in a game of chess. Some Olympic sports should exist simply because they help those in disadvantaged communities. Boxing has always been an outlet for troubled inner city kids. And chess has given many unstable supercomputers an opportunity to do something other than trick the world's nuclear powers into DEFCON 1.
Likely feel good story: In an amazing turn of events, Mike Tyson qualifies for chess boxing, but is immediately disqualified during his first match when he bites the ear off of his opponent's rook.
Rock Paper Scissors: Because there should be a sport in which the loser can yell, “No way! Let’s play best 3 out of 5.”
The Olympics are about more than which country can pass their drug tests, or which female gymnasts will tragically be struck down by puberty. They are about helping countries come together, realize that they aren't going to beat the U.S, Germany, or China, and begin to resolve their differences. This sounds like a perfect arena for the ultimate conflict resolution game of rock paper scissors. If it can help stoned fraternity brothers figure out who gets to ride shotgun to Taco Bell, surely it can help North and South Korea decide who has the more awesome hair.
Likely feel good story: An orphan raised in the wild learned to play rock paper scissors by competing against the foot stomps of escaped circus elephants.
Extreme Ironing: Your shirt will be ready by 5PM—but you’ll have to come get it
The Olympics has always been a way to remind humans about the importance of being civil. In fact, in ancient Greece, all wars would stop during the Olympics so that people could watch the games and buy Coca Cola products. To remember this spirit, we should make extreme ironing an Olympic event. For those who are out of the loop on the latest craze in competitive garment care, extreme ironing is when athlete-launderers climb the tops of mountains, submerge themselves in frozen lakes, or find any other unorthodox place in which they may then iron an article of clothing.
Likely IOC challenge: Having to replace the Anti-Doping Committee with the Anti-Starching Committee.
Stinging Nettle Eating: Surprisingly less painful than eating regular English food
For the Olympics to stay current, it must incorporate an eating contest. Hot dogs might seem like the obvious choice, but I think it would be more fitting to pay homage to the host country by adding their indigenous annual competition of stinging nettle eating. The winner usually has no taste buds left in his or her mouth -- which given the blandness of most English cuisine probably isn't that much of a problem.
Likely potential drawback: Kids watching will have a strong argument against never eating another leafy green.
Wife Carrying: Who says an Olympic sport can’t be romantic?
Being married is often called a journey, but rarely is it called an obstacle course. This amazing would-be Olympic sport could change that. Wife carrying is an event in which a man must run an obstacle course with his beloved either riding piggy back, over the shoulder in a fireman's carry, or my personal favorite, hoisted "Estonian" style. The Estonian men carry their women in a way that resembles a backwards version popular number-themed sexual position. Oh, and if that doesn't sound fun enough, you also have to drink a beer in between each obstacle. The only difference between this sport and a date is that getting to first base might actually include running to a first base.
Likely feel good story: In the spirit of the Jamaican Bobsledders, a Saudi Arabian athlete becomes the first polygamist to medal while carrying all three of his wives.
Darts: There should be at least one sport that can be played while still holding a beer
Enough sports are watched from the pub, it's time for the Olympics to adopt a sport that's played in one. Just think of the entertainment value of an event in which the contestants become increasingly drunk as they advance. You think it's something to watch a high diver hit his mark after several flips. Watch someone who is seeing double hit the real bull's-eye and tell me that isn't an amazing feat! And who will be able to resist watching the victory interviews, during which the glassy-eyed winner simply looks into the camera and says, "I love you," followed by repeatedly asking the cameraman if he has a sister.
Likely added endorsement benefit: Winner gets a lifetime supply of pickled eggs.
Dodgeball: Finally, hiding behind the larger kids will be recognized as a legitimate strategy
Let's go out on a completely unverified limb, and admit that bullying has been on the rise ever since dodgeball has been taken out of schools. For years, there was an appropriate place in which small, weak, uncoordinated kids could be corralled and pummeled by bigger, meaner, more coordinated children. It was a healthy outlet, and I think it's one that should return to the world stage. It would be one of the rare sports in which all participants would have something to show folks back home -- be it a medal or a welt.
Likely feel good story: The Sudanese national team surprises both themselves and the world with their doedgeball dominance, and credits the success with their local custom of playing the game with a severed human head. The IOC rightly changes the name of the sport to dodgeskull.
Jeremy Greenberg is stand-up comedian, joke writer, blogger, and the author of 5 hilarious books. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com.