Sure, you can get a tribal arm band…if you go live with that tribe
Tattoos don’t seem to have the taboo they once did. They used to be the province of convicts, gang members, and bikers. But now, it seems everyone is getting a little ink done. Blue collar, white collar, it doesn’t matter. Business folks might not be getting teardrop tattoos (no matter how much they may have wanted to during the collapse of 2008). But more and more are getting discreet little markings. I guess no matter how high one moves up the corporate ladder, or achieves middle class motherhood bliss, it’s always nice to have a chupacabra head on your buttocks to remind you of that spring break you spent in Mexico.
Sometimes relishing in the accomplishments of your child can be a healthy thing
Last week I was doing a TV appearance to promote my new book, Sorry I Peed on You (and other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Please excuse the shameless plug :)) My appearance happened to be on St. Patrick’s Day. Before my segment, they had three girls with ages ranging from ten to seventeen do some Irish dancing (think Riverdance). It was actually quite amazing and graceful. The Irish don’t get the credit they deserve for somehow having traditions of both heavy drinking and precision footwork.
My grandmother would roll over in her grave if she found out where my kids will be finger painting
My wife and I have decided to send our kids to a private Lutheran preschool. My wife isn’t Lutheran, she’s Presbyterian. And I’m Jewish. So, why on earth would we send our kids to a Lutheran preschool? Am I not familiar with Martin Luther’s opinion of the chosen people? Does my wife have a thing for sects based on religious reformation? The answers are that, yes, I know that Martin Luther was an anti-Semite, and my wife has as little interest in Lutheranism as she does for her home grown Presbyterianism. So, why’d we do it?
Right now there’s a nineteen-year-old burger flipper trying to get pregnant just to be like the Black Swan
I’ve long suspected Natalie Portman of wanting to destroy the American family. Something about playing the Queen of Naboo in the Star Wars reboot makes her think she can just do whatever she wants, like get pregnant without written permission from politicians. Mike Huckabee recently criticized Natalie for glamorizing out-of-wedlock pregnancy. Some say it was just an attempt to get publicity for his new book. Natalie is actually engaged to the father—so it’s not like she’s dissing the institute of marriage. But nonetheless, it brings up an interesting question: Does Natalie’s pregnancy encourage other women to have out-of-wedlock children?
Yes Sweetie, you can have seconds on ice cream—but only because it’s the last day on Earth
Sometimes it can be fun and interesting to pose hypothetical parenting questions. Today I would like to ask, “How would you parent differently if humanity were about to go extinct? With the tragedy in Japan, upheaval in the Middle East, millions of dead fish washing up on the shores of Southern California, and the inexplicable popularity of the Kardashians, it’s easy to see how some might believe the end times are near. And aside from these recent calamities, it seems like every few years we’re warned that an asteroid the size of Texas could slam into the Earth and create another ice age. For some reason, comparing the asteroid to Texas makes it even scarier.
Just in case you thought you had challenges
This past weekend I was performing in a city that shall remain nameless. Before one of the shows, we were hanging out with the serving staff. When I meet new people, I almost always show them pictures of my kids. I know that not everyone wants to see pictures of my kids. But that doesn’t deter me. I am proud to have such great children, and if you didn’t want to look at pictures of them, then you should’ve thought about that before randomly making my acquaintance.
Killing off some of life’s magic is a necessary downside to parenting
The other night I was watching the movie Cats Don’t Dance with my toddlers. It stars the voice of Scott Bakula as a singing cat who goes to Hollywood to become a star. The movie is rated G, but it was still a bit advanced for my almost-three-year-old sons. However, I thought it was important for my kids to watch a cartoon that challenged preconceived notions about cats and their ability to dance and sing show tunes. Too often cats are typecast as the moronic dupes of mice, or are ridiculed as having debilitating speech impediments, such as Sylvester the Cat and his catchphrase, “Thufferin’ Thuketash.” I wanted my kids to see a more positive portrayal of cartoon cats, so I let them watch despite some of the advanced plot and dialogue.
How much fight do you put up when the little ones ask for fast food?
The other night I realized that I completely allowed my kids to be my excuse for eating fast food for dinner. Normally my wife is in charge of preparing dinner. When she cooks, the kids and I enjoy a very healthy assortment of delicious meals. And sometimes if we’re lucky, the kids will actually eat what she makes. But last night was my wife’s night to get out of the house so she could join her friends for beverages. I was the one who was in charge of making dinner. We had tortellini in the house, which are very easy to boil and prepare, as well as a host of other easy, healthy meals that the kids would’ve eaten some of. But I felt like doing something special for the kids. I felt like getting them hamburgers and French fries.