Our lucky sons will one day marry women who no longer care if they listen
By now, I imagine most of you have seen the awesome footage of those teenage girls beating the stuffing out of each other. Apparently, girl fistfights are the latest craze. I thought it was Justin Bieber, but apparently his androgynous good looks have sent spasms of confusion into the female teen population. Not understanding their feelings, these young women have resorted to beating each other into bloody sacks of procreating meat. Any teen who’s anyone is knocking another girl’s teeth down her throat. I’m sure some people are horrified. Some might even think this is all a plot by the cosmetics industry to increase the number of black eyes that must be crusted over with foundation. But anyone who is horrified by these videos is sexist. Boys have been settling problems with their fists for years. It’s about time women also stopped thinking, and started punching.
How to make sure your child doesn’t write you off
When I was eight years old, I suddenly realized my parents were idiots. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I’d confused being dumb for disagreeing with me. It’s interesting how an eight year old would consider her parents stupid for failing to see her side on an issue. Yet, if a parent were to actually agree with an eight year old that it’s okay to watch a certain TV show, or that Sundays are best spent congregating with friends at the local park playing football, that parent could be viewed by other parents as being a numbskull.
The crazy thing is that Charlie’s such a committed dad, he supports their efforts
Just in case there weren’t enough lawsuits flying around the beleaguered former star of Two and a Half Men, Thursday afternoon a class action lawsuit was filed on behalf of Charlie Sheen’s five kids, accusing him of failing to stay employed. The lawsuit claims that their dad breached his fatherly duties, and damaged his ability to provide them the quality of life to which they’ve grown accustomed. The amount they're suing for wasn’t disclosed, but it’s reported that each kid is requesting “enough money to eat Chipotle three meals a day, and to never have to do anything.”
Your kid will not have a teen pregnancy because she pretended to nurse a chunk of plastic when she was six
When I started to notice that the good old breastfeeding doll was rearing its suckling head back in the news this week, I actually felt quite relieved. It’s a good news week when our greatest concern isn’t a nuclear meltdown, or fighting in the Middle East, but rather a weird new toy.
Although, this toy is not new, and this story is not news. This doll has existed for years. In fact, I wrote this piece about its imminent threat to our children over a year ago.
Love means never having to say you're solvent
When I was a kid, birthdays were modest affairs. My parents’ friends would bring over their kids of roughly the same age, and together we’d eat cake, open presents, throw temper tantrums, and call it a day.
But that was in the olden days when parents weren’t judged by the grotesque lavishness of a toddler’s birthday party. As my twin sons approach their third birthdays, I’ve been preparing for the festivities by refinancing my home, selling our silverware on eBay, taking in the neighbors wash, mowing lawns, and cruising the beach with a metal detector. I’m going to do it right!
Yes, your child is beautiful—like I mentioned four photos ago
I must admit that I’m a compulsive picture-shower. Most people who meet me won’t have to wait long before an adorable photo of my little ones is shoved their face. It’s just too easy. My sons’ picture is the home screen of my BlackBerry. I don’t even have to dig into a file. With me it’s, “Bam! Here’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.” The person looks at the photo and then returns volley with the customary, “So cute!” If that person then whips out a picture of her kids, I’ll in turn reply “They are so adorable, wow, so beautiful, they’re precious.” And the ritual is complete.
Snooki has a mom…think about that
There are many things that a parent might fear her child growing up and becoming: a drug addict, an English major, a speed dating aficionado. But these days there might be no scarier thought for a parent than the threat of her child being the next Snooki, or one of the babes from The Bachelor. The only thing worse than a child not having any talent is becoming famous enough to showcase his or her stunning lack of ability.
How to protect your children from the rare occurrence of a grandparent’s dislike
When I was growing up, I had a friend who said his grandmother didn’t like him. I thought this was impossible. I always thought grandmothers were the raisins of love, with all of life’s imperfections dried away until they were just pure sweetness. My grandmother seemed to love me more than life itself. It was as though I could do no wrong. If I were to throw a toy, she’d be more impressed with my arm strength than would she have any desire to discipline me. She would yell at and berate my mom, but when it came to interacting with her grandchildren, she was the sweetest human being on the planet.
But I went over to this friend’s house one day while the grandmother was visiting, and sure enough, she didn’t like him. It blew my mind.