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What to do with abusers

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 19, 2011 12:05AM

Just in case you weren’t completely disgusted with humanity, there’s a report out of Vancouver, Washington about a couple who locked their two autistic children in a cage. Where did they get a cage big enough to hold a five and a seven year old? The father remodeled the bedroom to have bars instead of a door.



Who knows? Maybe class-action lawsuits make for good advertising

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 16, 2011 6:50PM

First of all, let me tell you that I actually love both Applebee’s and the Olive Garden. When you travel a lot, like I do, you look for familiar, reliable brands. Even if those brands have a reputation for mediocrity, it’s still somewhat edible mediocrity, and usually won’t make you sick. That is, unless you’re a toddler.



Would you carry a gun if it meant no TSA touching?

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 13, 2011 11:43PM

If you haven’t seen this video of a six-year-old girl being given a weapon’s groping by the TSA at an airport, prepare to be horrified. I don’t even think it’s acceptable for an adult to be searched so intimately, let alone a child.


Not only is this child being awkwardly touched (by a TSA employee who probably hated doing it just as much as the parents and that child hated having it done), the kid is learning that the world is a dangerous place, and no one is to be trusted.



A Chicago public school is banning food from home in an effort to make kids healthier

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 13, 2011 1:34AM

A Chicago school thinks it can make kids healthier by banning food from home, and forcing children to eat cafeteria food.  Obviously, the principal and the teachers don’t have to abide by this rule. Cafeteria food is a horrendous concoction of colors and lumps, prepared with hate by a spinster crazy lunch lady who comes home every night to a colony of cats. Heck, prison food is probably better, for fear that the inmates will be so disgusted on enchilada day that they’ll start a riot. If the food isn’t prepared in the school’s kitchen, then it’s made at a district’s central plant by miserable automatons who used to stamp hoods at a Pontiac factory. Cafeteria food is so bad, if Ethiopians had known about it back in the 1980s, they’d have done benefits for us.



Today’s show is brought to you by the letter C, and the number 4

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 12, 2011 12:39AM

America is again sending troops into an Islamic nation. But this time they won’t be green berets, they’ll be red Muppets. We’ve just given Pakistan twenty million dollars of our hard earned pledge drive money, so they can develop their version of Sesame Street. Would the money have been better spent helping them build actual streets?


I have several questions about this. First, why can’t they use the American version? In the Pakistani version, Big Bird will be gone, probably because his relationship with Snuffleupagus isn’t sanctioned in the Koran. Cookie Monster is a symbol of western gluttony, so he’ll be axed, and the Count, clearly a subversive capitalist accountant, will not make the Pakistani version.



She shouldn’t be reassigned, she should be promoted

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 10, 2011 7:36PM

First of all the details: a teacher in Florida got tired of a thirteen-year-old girl talking in her class, so she duct taped her mouth shut. The teacher reportedly said it was a “joke.” But the end result was an angry parent, and a teacher who was reassigned to another school.


I was actually a bratty kid who used to talk in class. The only classes that I didn’t try to commandeer were those taught by teachers I respected, and subjects that challenged me. Even then, I’d occasionally take a shot at chatting. Those teachers were quick to give me detentions, or even on occasion send me to the principal’s office. But the bottom line was that they would not tolerate disruptions.


It doesn’t matter if a child sees “Mommy” once a year if he’ll eventually go to Harvard

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 8, 2011 1:56AM

I am not really a fan of any of Angelina Jolie’s movies, but I do love her parenting. This week there was speculation that she might be tuning up to adopt yet another child. And why was there speculation? Did she file adoption papers? Did Brad Pitt suddenly realize he has to be on location for the next three years? No. People began to wonder if Angelina Jolie might adopt again because they noticed that she had a new tattoo of map coordinates. Apparently, whenever Angelina gets a kid, she gets a tattoo of the latitude and longitude of his or her village. That way, when the child grows up and asks, “Where am I from?” She can point to her inner thigh and say, “here.”  (Actually, the tattoo is on her left arm.)



5 things every toddler should do before he or she starts elementary school

By Jeremy Greenberg Apr 7, 2011 2:47AM

My twin sons are a mere three weeks away from their third birthdays!  It seems like just yesterday I was making my extremely pregnant wife protein shakes. And now, those protein shakes have grown into gregarious, destructive children. Soon they’ll be in elementary school, and the first phase of their lives will come to an end. Once they start school, more will be expected of them, and they’ll have less time to simply play. So, I was thinking about a few things every toddler should do before he’s in kindergarten and life has passed him by:

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