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Naturally destructive humans, meet expensive electronics

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 21, 2012 5:10PM

Yesterday I finally got around to recycling several generations of old cell phones, an old laptop, something called an MP3 player (it was like a smartphone, but could only play music), a gazillion sets of fatally yanked earbuds, and a Bluetooth headset that did little more than make me look like a bio luminescent sea creature, whose only words were, “Hold on. I can’t hear you!” Best Buy is kind of cool in that they take this stuff off of your hands, destroy all hard drives, and recycle the materials into calling cards for our U.S. Military. But that’s not the story here. The story is how I was able to entertain my kids for close to an hour by letting them run around Best Buy.

 

Why does Daddy go out with friends on a school night and I can’t?

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 20, 2012 4:43PM

This week, one of Newt Gingrich’s past wives (who I believe all just found it easier to divorce him via class action lawsuit) mentioned that Newt pushed for an open marriage. If you’re not familiar, an open marriage is where you can have sex with as many women as you want, but only allow one woman to wash your clothes. You save your stains for the one to whom you’ve made your vows—that way the relationship is special. That’s not to say it doesn’t go both ways, the woman can also have other lovers—although I’m not sure how far she could get in the singles bar with the pickup line, “Hey, ya wanna hook up with the dowdy castoff of the former Speaker of the House?”

 

In his defense, I think it was a grape juice box, and those are really, really good

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 19, 2012 8:11PM

I have never been a fan of giving kids juice. In my opinion, it is just liquid candy. Even the natural juices are so concentrated that they essentially provide kids with a Jose Cuervo-like shot of sugar. Apple sugar grows naturally encased in the apple body because the fiber slows absorption. When you just give a kid a juice, you send his or her blood sugar bungee jumping. That being said, my kids do occasionally drink apple juice—but only because I’d feel bad if they were the only ones in their school not demented by lead contamination.

 

But what’s he going to do if he ever tries to sit ringside at an American Kennel Club event?

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 18, 2012 3:56PM

Everyone changes when they have kids. Before I was a parent, children were the things that made noise on airplanes. They were essentially whoopee cushions filled with screams.  But now I know they’re vibrant beings whose thunderous tantrums give life much of its meaning. Without kids, how would I know the value of silence? On a more serious note, I’ve also become a lot less selfish since becoming a parent. My joy comes from providing, not being provided for.

 

The real fake is the parent

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 17, 2012 4:24PM

I saw something really ugly this weekend, and I’m not talking about the performance of the Green Bay Packers (ha! a football reference in a parenting blog—just try and stop me). What I saw that further darkened my view of humanity was a poor child crying his eyes out, only to have his tears met with antagonism by his dad. I was in a restaurant, and this boy who appeared to be about four years old was having a meltdown. The “parent” (sperm donor might be more accurate in this situation) addressed his son’s tears with “You’re faking. Stop crying, you’re just faking!”

 

My sons have finally realized I’m a loser

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 14, 2012 3:42PM

I was wondering at what age my sons would realize that we didn’t have the biggest house on the block.  I knew it would happen. I dreaded the day my boys would realize that there are people in the world with more than us. Good or bad, I want to provide everything for my sons. Money and wealth are important, and you’re delusional if you think otherwise. Resources provide you access to better schools, health care, and opportunities. Sure, it’s better to love your children without a ton of resources, than to have money but no love. But if you take two families of equal love, the one with more money is going to be happier. Money does make for happiness. If you don’t think that, you are just poor and don’t want to admit to yourself how much better life could be. I force myself to stay painfully aware of how much better off other folks are, to make sure I’m never deluded into thinking my life is good. How can it get better if you don’t know it sucks?

 

Yes, he is like Jesus—if Jesus had awkward throwing mechanics

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 12, 2012 4:26PM

Even many people who don’t follow NFL football have heard the name Tim Tebow at some point this year. He has made national news because he wears his Christian faith on his sleeve, and this faith is being credited with helping him win games by all accounts he shouldn’t. However, if you haven’t heard of him, here’s a brief explanation: Tim Tebow is a great athlete, but like many college stars, he doesn’t have the classic Tom Brady or Joe Montana quarterbacking accuracy.  Yet somehow through a miracle he was drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos. And more amazingly he found himself in the starting lineup. Despite having played some games in which he threw so many bad passes, you’d think his higher power had money bet on his opponents, he has also won a freakish number of comeback victories. He has won when he shouldn’t. Last week he threw the ball all over the field against the mighty Pittsburgh Steelers. Most people would tell you that this simply has to be a case of divine intervention. Without God, Tim Tebow is a slack-jawed fullback (a positioned played by big, strong brutes, but not necessarily cerebral quarterback types).  

 

Please, Costco, stop giving these to my relatives as freebies

By Jeremy Greenberg Jan 11, 2012 4:39PM

So, here’s what happened. My brother and his family sent out holiday cards. If you’ve been paying attention, you know that my family is not big on cards. We didn’t grow up with them, and now that my brother and I have married into Catholic and Protestant traditions, we have to accept that the goofy little tradition of burdening other relatives with pictures and letters is now part of our lives. Whatever. It’s a small price to pay for most-of-the-time happiness. 

 
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