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New Study: Babies Are Totally Racist

And the sad part is that they aren’t even old enough to apologize and then go into rehab

By Jeremy Greenberg May 7, 2012 2:21PM

Photo: John Lund/Annabelle Breakey/Getty ImagesA new study has demonstrated that babies as young as 9 months have trouble recognizing the facial expressions of babies in other racial groups. So, for all those fans of the old TV show Different Strokes who used to wonder why Gary Coleman’s character would constantly ask his white father, “What you talkin’ ‘bout Mr. Drummond?", well, we now know he may actually not have known. Or, at least according to this study, known what his facial expressions meant.

Studies like this again remind me of the important job a parent must do in educating and culturing a child. I’m not surprised that humans develop racist tendencies even before they know the concept of race. We’re also a violent species that if left unchecked would, kill, copulate, and consume anything we could (oh, what, just me? Don’t leave me hangin’). Humans are one of the few species who aren’t born ready to go. The only reason babies pop out at 9 months is because if it took any longer, the mom would be in serious danger during the birth.  While it’s not scientific, I’d say most humans aren’t truly born until they’re about twenty-three years old.

I would also like to encourage those of you who are yet to settle down to consider engaging in a lot of interracial intercourse. I have long believed that the real solution to peace in the Middle East is simply to have copulation camps in which Palestinians and Israelis must go to really start a “shared land” policy. And parents should encourage their kids to choose someone of a different race to marry. I mean, sure, the first few Thanksgivings might be a bit nuanced.  But in the end, your kids will have babies who will be so mixed that they won’t be able to distinguish which group they’re from. This could mean they’ll then recognize everyone’s facial expressions, or no one’s. But at least we’ll stop giving birth to all of these ignorant, racist babies.

 Is your baby racist? What about your uncle?

Photo: John Lund/Annabelle Breakey/Getty Images

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May 7, 2012 6:25PM
I volunteer at a kid's shelter,on the floor where there are kids 2 to 5 years old.They have gypsy kids and the rest play with them without making any difference or problem,so I dont believe in this.
May 7, 2012 6:24PM
Wow. I am flabbergasted by the comments here. I guess you all missed the point here: Jeremy Greenberg is a comedian. He doesn't really think babies are racist, or that Israel should have forced "copulation camps." You guys need to stop reading this column if it upsets you so much.
May 7, 2012 6:19PM
What a horrible article! Just awful and disappointing it's on the main MSN page.
May 7, 2012 6:11PM

well there is a couple min. of my life i just wasted reading that crap


May 7, 2012 5:46PM

I am appalled by the title of this article—babies are racist, really?! Definition or racism:  “...based on prejudices and stereotypes related to race.” And the definition of prejudice: “a preformed opinion, usually an unfavorable one, based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes.”  Until the age of reason (around 12 years old), children are not really able to understand with their intellect the depth of the issues with race. Are they able to distinguish that there are physical differences? Yes. But do they maliciously stereotype those differences (i.e., are racist)? NO!

May 7, 2012 5:33PM
The article headlines are only worded so it will get the most clicks.  Obviously this isn't "racism," it's just a way for the article writer to get more hits on it.  It's a stupid article and a stupid study.
May 7, 2012 5:09PM
So just to clarify: not being able to recognize facial features = racism?...What?  Does the article writer even know what racism is?
May 7, 2012 5:06PM
The term "racist" is thrown around too often. Do these babies think that one race is superior to all others? Or one is inferior to all others? Probably not, as they are only 9 months old, and cannot think like that. So this is not racist at all. 
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