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The uppers & downers of parenting

(or, coffee and wine)

By Amber Dusick Jun 5, 2013 5:54PM

I am a drug addict. I use uppers and downers.

But only to make me a better parent. 

I never drank coffee before I had kids. We didn't even own a coffee maker. 

Back in those days, I looked down upon anyone who needed coffee in the morning. The more they required it the less I thought of them. They were weak. Slaves to the bean. Didn't they know it is a drug they are addicted to? Just stop drinking that cr*p and then you won't need it. 

Then I had two kids. 

Kids wake up with energy. Kids wake up with loudness.

Kids wake up too damn early. 

Crappy Pictures 1

No I will not play with you. Go away. I need coffee.  

After coffee:

Crappy pic 2

I don't need it. But they need me to have it. 

I'll stop drinking it just as soon as they stop waking me up before the rooster crows.

(We don't actually have a rooster. Did you think we did when I wrote that? That would be cool. Maybe I should take this out and let you think we have a rooster.) 
So that is my little helper pick-me-upper in the morning.

And then there is the evening.

Sometimes, after an especially rough day, I'm stressed out at night. 

Everything sets me on edge. I'm a bundle of nervous thoughts.

Crappy Pictures 3

Go to bed. I can't handle one more minute of this parenting thing. I have to do this again tomorrow! How can I handle another day like this one? Nobody is listening to me! 

But then my husband hands me a glass of wine.

After wine:

Crappy Pictures 4

Again, I don't need it. But they need me to have it.

So that is my occasional little calm-me-downer in the evening.

Coffee & wine. My unsung parenting tools.

And yours? 

Blah blah blah, yes alcoholism sucks, blah blah blah, notice I said occasional, blah blah blah, did you know that judgmental people are ugly, blah blah blah. 

Eating entire pints of ice cream is another favorite unsung parenting tool of mine. As is sneaking chocolate. And snorting huge piles of cocaine. 

Just kidding about that last one. 

Amber Dusick writes and illustrates the blog Crappy Pictures , drinks coffee out of this mug and is celebrating her new book Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures with a glass of wine. But not always at the same time.  

More from Mom to Mom:

Worst end of school mom ever
When I stopped yelling at my kids

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85Comments
Jun 21, 2013 5:28AM
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I don't drink either caffeine or alcohol. I choose not to drink alcohol. Caffeine, though, I can't have. I do look down on people who can't be without it because I have gone without it for about 16 years. I don't remember that it gave me energy back when I did drink it. But, I do know that when I stopped drinking caffeine (or ginseng or anything else that increases energy) the migraines that had haunted me since I was a young child finally diminished. There are days that I wish I could have caffeine or some energy booster, but then I remember I don't want to be addicted to it because you are right it is a bad drug that people should not develop addictions to. I like being able to cope without caffeine. I just take naps instead.
Jun 21, 2013 4:30AM
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Coffee and booze don't mix, but coffee, booze and the funny farm do.
Jun 21, 2013 2:41AM
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So, the "mom", the "parent" has to have coffee and wine to deal with her TWO kids!!!!  LMAO! There is so much truth in this!  This is exactly the kind of "parent" that will go to school and "cuss the teacher out" and "cuss the principal out" when either of them scold the droppings of this "parent."  They want little Junior to be on the Honor Roll but they don't want to spend time with him or her to help them with homework and they surely don't want the droppings to be disciplined!!!!  I love this! I have asked these kinds of "parents" to look around the room!  How many kids do you have at home?  How many do I (the teacher) have??? Kids are ok...parents sometimes are.
Jun 21, 2013 1:35AM
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too funny!   lighten-up people and take it in the spirit it was meant.
Jun 21, 2013 1:05AM
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I know how she feels.  I have a 5 year old who will be going to kindergarten in the fall.  My 20 year old has finally decided to start college in the fall too.  I don't if I am coming or going sometimes.  I receive my upper with Diet Dr. Pepper and my downer is iced tea in the evening.  I know, two caffienes, but one is a little more mild.


Jun 20, 2013 11:40PM
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Learn to parent!  Caffine & Booze don't make you a better parent.
Jun 20, 2013 11:35PM
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haha, totally not where I thought that article was going!  
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