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The 10 phases of a 10-minute shower with a baby at home

New moms, you're not alone...

By Ilana Wiles of Mommyshorts.com Jun 10, 2013 8:40PM

You see the baby playing happily on his own and decide he will be just fine if you take a ten minute shower. You go to the bathroom and undress.

You get nervous the baby will not be fine and decide to put the baby in his crib instead of letting him play freely on the floor. You run around the house collecting safe toys to put in the crib to keep him occupied. Have I mentioned you are running around your house completely naked?

Ilana Wiles

You get in the shower. You allow yourself to appreciate the warm cleansing water.

The baby starts crying. Oh no, you haven't even shampooed yet! You shampoo as quickly as possible. You wash your body at lightning speed. The baby's crying gets louder. What about conditioner? Do you have time for conditioner?? The baby's crying escalates to unbearable levels. You must get out as soon as possible. Wait! Have you shampooed yet? YOU CAN'T REMEMBER!!! You try to recount the order of showering events— first you got into the shower, then you felt the warm cleansing water, then the baby started crying— CR*P! THE BABY IS STILL CRYING! You'll just have to skip the shampoo regardless of whether you have shampooed already! 

Baby is crying even louder!!! Why did you decide to shave under your arms? What a selfish thing to do! You must be a horrible mother! OH MY GOD THE BABY MUST THINK HE HAS BEEN ABANDONED AND THIS TEN MINUTE SHOWER IS GOING TO RUIN HIM FOR LIFE!!

The baby stops crying. Oh thank God. Time to condition.

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Why is the baby being so quiet??? Something must be wrong. You shout in the baby's direction. "BABY!!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY?????" The baby doesn't answer you. He's obviously not okay. He is never this quiet. What toys did I put in there with him? Are they all made from breathable materials? Any choking hazards??? Perhaps he shimmied himself into a corner. Oh no. He's stuck in the crib slats. He's so hurt he can't even cry. OH MY GOD SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!

The baby starts crying again. OH THANK GOD.

You emerge from the shower, naked and wet. You grab a towel and throw it around your head in the worst after-shower turban ever. You run to the baby, nearly slipping on the bathroom floor. You scoop him up in your arms. "OH SWEETIE! ARE YOU OKAAAAAAAAYYYYY?????? I'M SO SORRY!!!!!! I'LL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN!!!!!"

Cr*p. Is that still conditioner in my hair?

We're thrilled to feature the fabulous Ilana Wiles, who runs the popular blog mommyshorts.com - find more of her on Facebook, too. Want to contribute to Mom to Mom on MSN? Email your submissions to the editor...

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Jul 16, 2013 12:45PM
I must be a selfish mom because I never once missed a shower. Babies don't die from crying for a couple of minutes and it taught my twins a nice lesson- mommy leaves and then returns! Win for all. Although I know this article was all in fun for this lady I'm tired of the mommy martyrs out there who are all "I haven't showered in a week!" and "I never ever ever take one eyeball off my baby!" Awesome, now keep your neurotic child you are raising to yourself.
Jun 16, 2013 10:47PM
Completely understandable. Babies and small children require a lot of time and attention, so finding that precious time to shower or take care of any other necessities is key to one's sanity.
Jun 15, 2013 4:07PM

This is hilarious! And what I find it even more hilarious are those that are making negative comments. They  just cannot comprehend that this article is supposed to be funny! Where has our sense of humor gone? Or maybe we need a course in reading comprehension and understanding inferences and author's viewpoint. I find it ironic that people who just  don't get it are calling the article "stupid." I don't think the author needs your advice on what baby product to use when she needs to take a shower. Even the most experienced mother of many children, was once a new mom and had to learn these things in the beginning. Most new moms can relate to this because it is normal to be a little worried or nervous at first. And for those that claim that they never felt worried, I would be more concerned about your parenting skills. Worry equals concern and if you aren't even a just little bit concerned about your newborn infant being alone for a few minutes, that is concerning to me.

Jun 15, 2013 2:21AM
okay people, chill out, you do realize she is not entirely serious. she is writing about some of the "pitfalls" of having children. It is all in fun, folks.
Jun 15, 2013 1:26AM
Why not just bring the baby into the bathroom with you!!

Jun 15, 2013 12:36AM
So funny. I can definitely identify with this as a mom. It is difficult to get anything done with a baby.
Jun 15, 2013 12:17AM
Have to agree that this is extremely lame. The whole "can't do a single thing because the universe revolves around my baby" thing is completely played out, and it's NOT TRUE.
Jun 14, 2013 11:54PM
LOL!!! This is hilarious....exactly how I felt as a new mom with a newborn. I remember some days not even getting in the shower until my husband got home. I'm glad I am not alone. :)
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